Happy Drinksgiving!

By Jonathan Ray Keller

Hooray! The holidays are upon us! Undeniably this is my favorite time of the year: everyone seems lighter and more amiable by a measure (outside of the shopping centers, at least); lights and decorations are strung throughout the cities and suburbs to relieve us the bleakness of leafless trees; the toss-away comment “Happy Holidays!” is a reflexive and patently inawkward salutation to everyone you meet regardless of the situation; and most importantly free booze flows like Niagara Falls from the tabs of corporations, institutions and better-off regulars in nearly every bar.

For those of you without your Professional Drinkers’ Association Champions Tour Cards, it is this time every year when some worry that you may enjoy the frequent tippling a bit too much. Some of the more uptight or naïve holiday revelers among us might even be asking if they are becoming alcoholics. Below I shall address your concerns from the viewpoint of a wizened and professional tippler in an effort to set your mind at ease and allow you to accept the season’s liquid largesse graciously and copiously.

First, allow me to cite Johnny’s Razor: If you never pay for alcohol, you aren’t an alcoholic. This will clear about 80% of the curious. Alcoholism is a raging compulsion which doesn’t really care about the condition of your wallet. Lay partygoers and those of us who proudly call ourselves drunks are fully capable of finding ourselves suddenly tired and “maybe needing to sit one out” once the company party shuts off open bar or Larry the Rich Regular calls in his tab.

It is entirely possible however that you may consider joining the ranks of the aforementioned Drunks. There is a distinct difference between the two:

Primarily, alcoholics are incapable of stopping themselves. Job, family or cirrhosis be damned – once the liquor lands upon the lips of the alcoholic, he or she has just bought a one-way ticket on the Blotto Express – Destination: Blackout Junction. Drunks know their limitations, partake of the grape and grains only during free time, and know when they should stop. We may not always stop when we know we should, but you can’t tell me you’ve never run a red light when the traffic flow felt just right.

Further, those oft referred to as hyphenated drunks are truly alcoholics. This is part of the insipid Probey strategy to demonize true drunks, those who can enjoy liquor and still fully function in proper society. Mean-drunks, angry-drunks, fighting-drunks, slut-drunks, whore-drunks, puke-drunks and the like are nearly always alcoholics. If one knows they consistently transform into a detestable wretch by drinking and do it anyway, the greater society of True Drunks makes no time for them.

Alcoholics are pathetic and miserable, slaves to the drink and ashamed of their bondage. Drunks are fun-loving and rakish, always glad to join in knowing full well that they may not know where they'll end up. A drunk accepts that risk, knowing that risk is integral to a full life experience.

Alcoholics live in black and white - they must be either drunk or sober. Drunks live much of their fun time in that adventurous gray area. For example, I spend a large percentage of my allotted leisure time around the cigarette-ash area, on occasion going full charcoal.

Alcoholics view the journey to intoxication as a business trip, whereas drunks view it as a pleasure cruise.

Alcoholics truly believe they cannot live without the drink. Drunks know we can live without drink, but if booze makes our free time more pleasurable, we can't see the point.

Hopefully this will put the holiday partier’s mind at general ease. If your boss foots the bill, by all means drink your fill! Who knows, I may be there as “Larry the Accounting Intern” until the spirit spigots of open bar are turned off.

Happy Holidays my friends!

(…and don’t be stupid about driving. Cab drivers have families to feed, too.)

O! H!

by Knorr the Interpreter

All my make-believe friends are mad at me because I won't shut up about the total ass-whuppin' the Ohio State Buckeyes delivered unto the Ann Arbor Clown College Weasels on Staurday night. Yes, I know the final score was 42-39. I also saw how They kept bouncing back up every time we'd score on them like eleven helmeted sadomasochistic Weebles. The Buckeyes still kicked their asses.

Indeed, as far as the scoreboard is concerned, North Toledo Tech hung with the Buckeyes until the very end, but that closeness had the fakey-stagey feel of a WWE championship in which one of the contenders gets authentically hurt. In the second half, the Bucks suplexed themselves by turning the ball over in their own end three times. The refs also had a professional wrestling vibe going on - especially on third and fourth downs with all the made-up penalties against TOSU that gave That School Up North automatic first downs. Since when has chasing a receiver without touching him been considered pass interference, and just what in a lubed armadillo fuck is "Roughing the Center?" Had a certified NCAA refereeing crew called the game and Doug Datish's ball-snapping arm not been injured, the Buckeyes hang a fat 5-0 on Washentaw County Community College and the Weasels don't even smell thirty points.

Screw it. We won anyway. Every college football fan with functioning eyes now knows The Buckeyes of Ohio State are The Best Damned Team In The Land, and the "refs" got all their side-bets paid off since Mitten U "covered" the spread. Just keep the above facts in mind if there happens to be a rematch on January 8 for your wagering purposes.

O! H!

Just So You Know: How Cold Is It?

By Library Barry, Senior Archivist

Back in the 1970’s during the failed push to convert the United States to the metric system, a lot of information and measurement agencies re-evaluated their traditional practices. The National Weather Service, realizing that temperature numbers were really rather meaningless once they got below a certain level, attempted a more holistic approach to reporting for a brief period. This new system never got out of the planning stage, but a memo detailing it made its way to their microfiche center:

October 26, 1974

RE: Proposed Method For Reporting Colder Temperatures

Since simple numbers don’t really convey the level of perceived atmospheric coldness, nor are we sure which temperature scale will be official soon, we have decided to test a more descriptive temperature reporting system for colder environments. Below are the standards and parameters currently under consideration:

15.1 to 20F (-5.9 to -3C) - Cold
10.1 to 15F (-8.9 to -6C) – Damned Cold
5.1 to 10F (-11.9 to -9C) – Real Damned Cold
0.1 to 5F (-14.9 to -12C) – Freezing
Below 0F (Below -15C) – Fuckin’ Freezing

Thus, if the temperature on New Year’s Day 1975 in Chicago is 8F, but the wind makes it feel more like -10F, the official report will be “Downtown Chicago today will be Real Damned Cold, and Fuckin’ Freezing with the wind chill.” We feel this conveys the level of coldness more thoroughly than mere numbers, as well as eases the general population into the conversion from the Fahrenheit to the Celsius scales…

Weather Canada embarked on a similar program in the latter half of the decade…

17 Septembre 1979

RE: Temperature Reporting

The Canadian public deserves a more complete picture temperature-wise in the winter months – just barking out numbers doesn’t do much, eh? Below is a proposed revision to radio weather reports that we feel Canadians will find much more practical:

-9.9 to -5C – Better grab a sweater…
-14.9 to -10C – I’d think about a hat and maybe even some gloves, eh?
-19.9 to -15C – Oh, we’ve had worse, but it’s pretty cold out there.
-24.9 to -20C – I don’t think she’s gonna start, Dougie… better just stay in with no car, eh?
Below -25C – Cripes… it’s an ass-biter out there!

Afterthought: Rachel Ray

By Brian Peebles

So I’m getting coffee in the break room and the usual herd of marketeers are gathered with their transcendental flies down and rulers out comparing weekends, when one of them calls out to me. “Hey, Brian… Rachel Ray. Hot, right?” Since experience makes me wary of tie-clad white men in large groups, I quickly yet detachedly responded that I didn’t know her. Skippy issued me the Smirk-snort of Conversational Freedom and I went on my merry way, but of course the idea of Rachel Ray was now stuck in my head.

Considering the company that planted her name in my head, I figured she was some kind of porno queen - “Rachel Ray” is kind of porny-sounding what with the alliterative Girlname-Boyname dynamic working there – so I didn’t Google her for fear of work-related recriminations. I e-mailed my buddy Tom instead, and he told me that Rachel Ray is some cooking-show lady on that Food Channel he watches. Now I can’t imagine the titty-barfly poon-hound Marketeers all sit around getting all frothy by watching some lady putting together crepes or whatever, so I decided more research would be neccessary.

This research consisted of reflexively grabbing my Cheez-Its once I got home – dammit if she wasn’t right there on the box. Upon initial inspection, she appears to be a cute, short, perky-to-bubbly woman with a pleasing shape, so I’m still interested. Further study shows that while on the snack box, she’s wearing a brownish sweater, smiling, and holding a plate of hors d’ouevres. Petite, perky, cute, shapely, carrying food and wearing a sweater – that’s damned near the cheerleader-bringing-a-pizza fantasy that I’ve been told is every man’s ideal. With these facts in hand, I conclude that on the subject of Rachel Ray: sure, I’d hit that.

To make it official, I guess I have to come up with some clever profession-related double-entendre suggesting that I would indeed look forward to tapping dat ass. The problem here is I don’t know her cooking specialty: Is she a pastry person? Does she work mainly in the Italian food sector? Do poultry, beef or seafood factor into her entrees at all? Guess I’ll go for a generic kitchen-based comment: Yeah, that Rachel Ray… I’d sure like to get all up in her little oven, know what I’m sayin’?

There. Done and done – let the record show that should circumstances allow I indeed would relish the prospect of making Rachel Ray call me her Big Boy between the sheets. However I reserve the right to abstain from sprouting wood when grabbing my snack crackers.

Open Letter To That One Guy In The Harris Poll Who Doesn't Rank Ohio State #1

By Ron R. Clark

Yes, yes... I know I already ranted once this week. I'm probably taking a turn that belongs to another columnist. I apologize - but it's easier to get forgiveness than permission, and this is critical. Tuesday's rant was about doing your part to shape the present and future path of the United States government, thus by a degree, the global community as a whole - but THIS is about college football!

Mr. Harris Poll Voter Guy Who Still Refuses To Vote For Ohio State: Shine on you crazy diamond! Stay out there on the path of the Lone Wolf! Your conviction, your individuality and your perserverance are an inspiration to all the outsiders and the downtrodden. That, and you're a fucking curse.

Two Sundays ago, 113 Harris Poll voters considered Ohio State the best college football team in the land and one voted for West Virginia. West Virginia then went on the get violated by Louisville the following Thursday. Last Sunday, 113 Harris Poll voters restated their belief that even after a subpar performance against an annoyingly plucky Illinois squad, Ohio State deserved top honors. One voter gave that distinction to Louisville. Last night, Louisville gagged on an 18-point lead against Rutgers, and the Scarlet Knights blew their load in your Cardinals' face in anger beating Lousiville 28-25.

Time for a new #1, Mr. HPVWSRTVFOSU. May I suggest the Michigan Wolverines? Oooh, they're powerful! They're undefeated - assuming that same ankle-biting Illini club doesn't climb the Michigan pantleg this Saturday. They beat Notre Dame. They have pretty colors and interesting lines on their helmets. I don't know about you Mr. HPVWSRTVFOSU, but I'm conviced that Michigan is the #1 team in the country - WAAAAY better than my Buckeyes!

Yes, Michigan. Do vote for Michigan. They'll prove you SOOOO right on Saturday the 18th... against the Buckeyes... who've thrashed them four of the last five meetings... in Columbus.

Third time's a charm, right? You aren't just a spiteful trend-bucking malcontent pissing against the wind to prove your manliness and independence - no, you truly belive that teams like West Virginia and Louisville, who have honed their mighty blades against such powerhouses as East Carolina and Middle Tennessee State could beat the Buckeyes if they met face-to-face in the BCS Championship Game with OSU Coach Jim Tressel having five weeks to prepare, don't you? Of course you do... because you're a Man - and you can't spell Michigan without M-A-N.

Be the MAN, Mr. HPVWSRTVFOSU - cast that lone vote for the Michigan Weasels. They'll appreciate the sentiment.

Homeland Security: DC Threat Level Elevated To "Monkey-Ass Red" Until January

By Michael Chertoff, Director of Homeland Security

With the results of yesterday’s elections being certified as we speak, DHS agents foresee a marked increase in threatening and/or criminal activity in the city of Washington DC from now until January 2007.

Upwards of forty Republican congressmen are now lame ducks. It is expected that these soon-to-be-ex-lawmakers will realize their twelve-year-long slow-to-moderately-paced orgy of graft, plunder and debauchery will end shortly. Given recent history of Republican congressmen, DHS certainly does not expect this group to leave quietly – in fact, a rampage of desperate, last-minute pocket-stuffing and ya-yas-out-getting by this dangerous group is rated above a 50% likelihood by the DHS Threat Assessment Strike Team.

The DHS advises every K-Street office to change all locks on its doors and passwords on all its security and banking systems. Congressional mistresses, paramours, and paid sex trade professionals are recommended to depart the Greater DC area as quickly as possible and to leave no forwarding address. The Congressional page program has been covertly shuttered and all pages sent home immediately upon the 218th Democratic candidate winning his seat earlier this morning. All other residents of the Greater Washington DC area should also be wary of any poorly-toupeed pasty middle-aged Caucasians with backwoods accents and red bulging eyes neurotically blaming and/or complaining about Bill and/or Hillary Clinton.

Due to the severity of this alert, Homeland Security has created a new super-extreme level of threat officially named Monkey-Ass Red, under which Washington DC will be placed until January 22, 2007. All Monkey-Ass Red Threat Level protocols will be observed until that time, most notably around lobbying houses, bars and hotels near the Capitol Building.

Open Letter to the Non-Voting Public

By Ron R. Clark

Vote, dammit!

Ah-ah… Nope… not listening… no excuses… just vote.

If you, the free-thinking, nonpartisan, independent adult do not vote, your city, state and country will not be worth living in. Why, you may ask? Because narrow-minded, single-issue, stick-up-their-ass oblivious hypocrites DO vote. They vote by the Mom’s-taxi-minivanloads, senior-center-busloads, and bible-thumper-church-vanloads. And they vote for stuff that sucks.

Shut up… I’m not done… and yes, voting does affect you directly. As an example: I’m registered to vote in Ohio, where four state issues are on the ballot. One asks to increase the minimum wage – you can’t get much more direct than your own paycheck, can you? – one will allow slot machines and casino gambling within the state, and two are about smoking in bars, one allows and one prohibits. These are all things upon which any thinking person would have an opinion – and for which non-thinking flesh-robots are very easily programmed with a simple “yes” or “no” by their on-air personality cult leaders and self-loathing gay-tweaker mega-church pastors.

The latter will vote. They like standing in lines, filling in circles or pressing the pretty buttons – plus they get stickers! Yay! – then reporting back to their leaders (often vicariously through smug and righteous indignation toward everyone they encounter for the rest of the week) about how they voted all goodly. These people suck. But since they vote, these people run the show – unless free-thinkers also vote and resist the aforementioned suckocracy.

“But Ron, voting is SUCH a hassle.” Oh, DO stuff that whine up your own shitpipe, you lazy mewling putz. Granted, when you vote you may have to wait in a long, slow line and choose among unappetizing options through a machine that often screws up, and sometimes you end up getting some doughy lump of grease you didn’t ask for. Guess what, Sparky: that's the same exact process as getting your lunch from the McDonald’s Drive Thru - plus election workers don’t drop or fuck up your change because voting is free. Take a Snickers bar to snack on, your iPod so you can pretend you’re listening to LiteMix 97.8 in your car and goddamned VOTE already!

Rah bah bah - I don’t want to friggin’ hear your opinions. The government, however, is begging to hear your opinions. If enough people share your opinion and tell it to the government by voting, the government will actually do something about your opinion. Yes, acting on your opinions - what a nice change of pace that would be!

In conclusion: You know that uptight soccer-mom two doors down who hasn’t had a righteous shag since the Clinton Administration or taken a shit since 9-11? The one who drives a 12 MPG SUV in the well-paved suburbs but obliviously yet openly wonders why gas costs so much? The one who rails endlessly about the evils of homosexuality, then writes checks to a guy who snorts crushed crank off a twink tweaker trick's taint because “he’s such a righteous man”? She voted. If you don’t vote, that stupid bitch wins.

Last-Minute Campaigning Strategies

By Carl Jameston , Political Consultant

Long-term unemployed? Dissatisfied with your current career path? Looking for a high paying position with two years of guaranteed job security? Member of the US House of Representatives may be the job for you!

Sure, there are already lots of people running for those positions, and most of them have tons more experience, campaign funding, and political clout than you… but have you seen the commercials? If you believe the TV and radio, there isn’t a decent human being in the whole lot of them. Do you want to leave the federal government to a bunch of tax and spend, pork-barrel, crony-hiring, lobbyist-serving, backroom-deal-cutting, unpatriotic haters of freedom who would sell your wife and rape your dog if left alone with them for three minutes? Of course, not, Buddy – so do something about it!

Running for office as a last-minute write-in candidate is conventionally considered a colossal Quixotic waste of time and money – but who in their right minds wants to vote for the Osama-loving gerbil fellators currently on the ballot? All you need to do is be the alternative, and you’ve got as good a shot as anybody.

We’ve got five days to make this happen. Time’s short, so here’s what you’ll need:

1) A short, easy-to-spell name. Remember, you’re asking the same group of people who apparently re-elected the man who read a frickin’ goat book throughout the Twin Towers attack as President for his leadership and crisis management skills to literally write your name on the ballot. “Bob Davis” has a plausible chance at pulling off this last-second upset victory. “Henrikk ver Bjorgensvaalderssen”? Not so much.

2) A couple billboards and radio ads. Seriously – at this point, the voting public is looking for something different to stand out above the din of the familiar. A simple, text-only billboard and speech-only commercial would be a refreshing break from the overproduced techno-vomit media assault by which the public has ruthlessly been pummeled. (This also explains the success of The Strokes.)

3) A campaign slogan for said billboards and radio ads. Something simple, straightforward, and central to your real reason for running. May I suggest something in the vein of “Indictment-free,” or “Vote for me and I’ll believe whatever you want me to believe” or “I’m SOOO not those other assclowns!”

4) No Muslims. Sorry, can’t get around that one this late in a campaign. See Rule 1 and do the math.

That’s it! Rock on, Congressmember-Elect. You’re ready to go to Washington and spend two years being blubbered over, catered to, and courted by the same group of nepotistic circle-jerkers who wouldn’t give you a shot at a decent job just last week. Ain’t democracy beautiful?