Open Letter To American Idol Fans

By Ron R. Clark

First, my point: SHUT THE FUCK UP! It’s just a TV show, for crying out loud! Get over it. Step away from the water cooler / coffee-maker, go back to your cubicle and information-process something.

Now, your lament: It is my understanding that an untalented hairwad named Sanjaya keeps winning despite being outperformed every week by the other contestants. Voters are growing more and more concerned that the most deserving candidate may not win, and the discovery of Internet junta groups like votefortheworst.com incites a visceral impulse in Idol worshippers which cattily dances upon the edge of soul-crushing dread and barbarian outrage.

And finally, the commentary: To be perfectly honest, I stopped caring about American Idol when they got rid of Ed McMahon and dropped the spokesmodel competition, but the awe-inspiring nigh-panic this Sanjaya character has fomented in the American populace at large forces me to address the situation.

What we have here is a perfect display of the primary inherent drawback of pure democracy: that the whole of the population have a say in the outcome – including the angry, naïve, gullible and out-and-out stupid people. On rare occasions, the public at large is deceived into electing a dangerously inapt candidate. Regardless of how quickly or severely the repercussions of their noise-blinded choice sink in, the voters and non-voters have only themselves to blame.

When such an occurrence happens in the world political arena, geopolitical aftershocks reverberate around the globe. In 2002, socialist rabble-rouser Ugo Chavez won the presidency of oil-wealthy Venezuela. Many Latin American countries have since elected populist candidates as leaders over career politicians. In 2006, Palestinians elected Hamas, widely considered a terrorist organization with a political front, over the long-standing Fatah movement. Western countries immediately cut off support to Palestinian government agencies, spawning greater unrest in a region that needed more dischord like John Travolta needs a gift certificate to Krispy Kreme.

On the whole, Venezuela appeared to be quite pleased with its choice, re-electing Chavez in 2006 with 70% of the vote. Now that Ugo has begun centralizing and consolidating power around himself in a quasi-dictatorial fashion, many Chavez supporters are starkly reconsidering. Hamas voters, on the other hand, took all of about three months to regret their decision – that’s the time Western aid money ran out and the people stopped getting paid. Palestinians have since settled upon a joint Hamas-Fatah rule in order to get back in the good graces of their sponsors.

The take-away message: Decisions have consequences. Think when you vote.

As this applies to your dipshit talent show, however, the worst that can happen is a largely valueless pretty-faced Breck girl-boy gets a recording contract. Ooooh, what an earthshaking travesty! Why don’t you make yourselves feel better by listening to your Justin Timberlake mp3s? There, there – isn’t that better? Such a good American consuming public. You’re such a good American consuming public... yes you are!

So Long Laurel Wreath, Hello Maple Leaf!

By Pierre “Dougie” MacDougall, Canadian Prime Minister, 2061 to present

So, hey. I’m really glad the Secretary-General invited me to come in and address all you fine people at the UN – that was quite polite of her, eh? I would say she didn’t have to do that, but I’d be getting ahead of myself... and it’s really not totally true.

So I’m sure you remember about ten years ago when China initiated their leveraged takeover of the US after America defaulted on its trade debt? Ya, well it didn’t go over so well up in The Great White North, having a hostile and repressive Communist-flavored government moving in just south of us and all, but according to all the documentation, the People’s Republic was well within its rights to do so, and the UN approved it, so we Canadians welcomed our new Chinese neighbors all the same.

Everything was fine and good until China got snooty about its trade dealings with Canada. See, Beijing “forgot” that the States owed us quite a pile of cash as well. All we wanted to do was work off what the US owed us for a while before throwing cash at the Chinese government. Not only did they refuse, but they demanded payment up front… in gold Maple Leaf coins no less. Well, when Ottawa heard about that, Parliament got about as outraged as I’ve ever seen them, eh? Some seriously strongly-worded proclamations went out that day – and direct written threats from Parliament Hill to the Chinese Ambassador to Canada were delivered that even more strongly-worded proclamations were to follow, you know, given enough time for the Ambassador to deliver our first set of strongly-worded proclamations to Beijing and Beijing to act on them and such… no need to get unreasonable, eh?

To keep things short, China rebuffed all efforts to work together with us on this issue, so Canada took the ultimate drastic but necessary step to attain satisfaction – we filed a lien on China. The World Bank authorized our lien, China didn’t make the payments as specified, so now – hey – Canada owns both the US and China! Not so bad for a bunch of maple-guzzling lumberjacks, eh?

Just thought you’d like to know that Canada pretty much rules now. We control most of the nukes, gold, and iron ore left in the world, not to mention the highest-quality building products, cutting-edge energy resource technology, and a disturbingly well-armed standing army with soldiers numbering in the tens of millions. Not that I’m saying you would, but screwing with Canada isn’t such a smart idea these days. Go ahead and make your curling jokes, Brazil – we’ll see who plays the stone and who plays the broom.

In closing, Canada pwns yr @$$. Denying is lying, so this would be a good time to kiss the rings, Bitches. Mwaa haa haa haa, eh?

Clinically Insane Protest “March Madness”

By Lars Eisenberg

Well, the brackets are set and the seedings have been announced for the 2007 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. This frenetic and frenzied sports phenomenon is often referred to as “March Madness” due to the excitement level, suspense, and raw emotion the tournament games frequently evoke… and the fact that it’s played in March. While few will debate the visceral energy the tournament generates, some take offense to the term March Madness, opining that it demeans, denigrates, and/or expresses deep insensitivity toward those afflicted with mental illness.

Normally, a reporter offers this space in his article to a hairy-legged, placard-waving, neohippie chick with a nice rack to drearily and nasally monologue about the plight of the insane and the damage done by such capriciously tossed-about monikers as March Madness – most often in an effort to take her home, drink her beer, and pound her like a bongo drum in between her 100%-natural-hemp-fiber sheets. I, however, decided to go straight to the source and ask the insane themselves if and how they are offended.

Zvwarlix, The Ninth of Eight, a curiously balding and largely untreated schizophrene from Milwaukee, did confirm that the phrase March Madness does indeed “piss [him] and the Miklakki collective off to the purplest of green! Whore’s bathwater and bacon grease damnation upon the blasphemers and their scrotum caddies!” His reasoning for the offense taken was too intricate to recount, and since he forbade my direct recording of his thoughts through pen-and-paper, tape recording, or notebook computers (all of which are really flattened living pulsating brain cells from The Dark Seventh Crossainwich Mak-Haal intended to enslave us all), I rather lost track.

A patient at the Franciscan Mental Health Facility at Fond du Lac named Larry, however, phrased his offense much more coherently. Basketball, he contends, is exciting and at times unpredictable, but standardized, regulated and organized - insanity is not. In his more eloquent words: “Say some group of guys from Uncle Jedd’s Asscrack State outscores UCLA in forty minutes – that would be unusual. The excitement level of the UJASU students and alums would certainly be frenzied, loud, and potentially irrational – however such irrationality is inherently predictable, hence an increased police presence at NCAA Tournament venues, and falling far short of the true definition of ‘madness’. True madness falls more into the standing-in-the-mustard-tub-of-a-hot-dog-vendor-cart-on-the-corner-of-Sixth-and-Wingart-while-voraciously-buttfucking-a-plush-toy-Barney-doll-and-singing-Tiffany’s-version-of -‘I Think We’re Alone Now’-at-the-top-of-one’s-lungs category. From one who knows... I'm not in this hospital for spraining my ankle!"