Pacific Disasters Attributed To Wicked-Away Moisture

by Cinta Sella-Ductos, Ibk News (TM) International Correspondent

PHUKET, Thailand (IbK) - The list of contributing factors in the Pacific ocean disasters like the tsunami which devastated this densely-populated Thai island four Christmii ago and the cyclone that ravaged Myanmar this past May has recently grown. Climatologists and physiologists from around the world have compared research notes and reached the same conclusion: a statistically significant percentage of the moisture that Mother Nature foisted upon these tropical oases was wicked away from perspiring fitness enthusiasts who were wearing performance sports apparel.

Approximately four percent of the water samples taken from these two disaster areas tested positive for elevated levels of electrolytes, urea, and 2-methylphenol, chemical compounds found in large concentrations in sweat and sports drinks. Upon this discovery, climatologists and meteorlogists traced the trajectory of the suspect moisture to its points of origin. These points all coincided with locations where athletes and other exercisers were more prone to wear moisture-away-wicking performance sports apparel - football training camps, outdoor jogging and running tracks, and exercise clubs packed with well-to-do cubicle-monkey suburbanites clutching desperately at their waning virility.

I approached Pete Williamson, spokesperson for UnderArmor, the leading brand of performance sports gear, with these revelations. Unofficially his response was sincere distress and sympathy. "Dude," exclaimed Peterson, "that so totally sucks!" Such detrimental fallout, continued Peterson, was never even conceived as likely by UnderArmor much less intended. "All we wanted to do was create clothes that keep athletes cool and dry in order to decrease discomfort during exercising. The whole moisture-wicking thing is a centerpiece to prevent guys from being knocked out by their own prison-orgy-like stench and maybe keep their junk from chafing during long runs."

When asked why their gear wicks all the moisture in the direction of the Pacific and Indian Oceans, Peterson surmised the country of manufacture may be a factor. "All our gear is put together out there in Indonesia and Thailand and places like that. Hell, I don't know... maybe the nine-year-olds in the sweatshops out there just figured they should bring that wicked moisture back home." Peterson's official response however was some wonky string of weasel-worded gobbledygook followed by a referral to Under Armor's law firm Mananna, Fisbicz & Gunn should this newly-found culpability lead to legal action.