Open Letter To The UCAWWW

by Ron R. Clark

I have recently been introduced to what might quite possibly be the most brain-leakingly ludicrous movement in the history of public action groups. Somewhere in the dust-bunny clogged corners of the website petition-online.com resides the Magna Carta of a group referred to only as UCAWWW. Below, bask in the delicious bassackward self-contradictory self-righteousness of the UCAWWW petition (shamelessly copied whole-cloth from therein).

"To: American People
We, the members of UCAWWW, petition that the Internet (World Wide Web) creates nothing but harm in society today. The Internet is a cause for addiction and sin while taking away traditional family values. Our children are being exposed to filth that causes sexual tendencies and drug addiction. We therefore, demand that the internet be permanently banned from American homes. We MUST restore faith in God and steer clear of the devil!"

Beautiful. Ladies, (I'm assuming you're ladies, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong), do you even realize you're trying to ban the net BY USING THE NET? You yourselves are attempting to harness this tool of the devil for your own ends - righteous as those ends may be, you join with the legions of Lucifer nonetheless. Since the net destroys all things good and yields but evil, is not your petition (by your own identification above) wrought forth from the very sphincter of Satan himself?

You do, however, have a point. "A cause for addiction and sin... that causes sexual tendencies and drug addiction" could not be a more accurate portrait of the Demon Web. I know that when I start out to look up sports scores or recipes, I invariably find myself itching for crank and dryhumping anything with a body temperature over 80F. What starts out as a quick glance at I Can Has Cheezburger always ends up with me naked sitting on a power sander and drenched in Wesson oil, desperately trying to score some coke on my Vonage with my one free hand. I'm sure you ladies can relate.

Ridiculously overblown (thus patently false) claims, inherent self-devouring contradiction and God-bothering rabble-rousing aside, your crusade is quite possibly the most hopeless campaign since the 1998 Tampa Bay Devil Rays... or the '99 Rays... or 2000... or 2007... or... anyway. In the three years your petition has been tickling Satan's taint in the bowels of the internet, a grand total of 3348 people have signed the thing - of which roughly three thousand are joke names and/or spambots. And even if ten thousand times that number signed legitimately, there is the basic scientific impossibility of banning access to something which quite literally freely floats in the air around you - you would be better off attempting to ban farts at a Taco Bell. This crusade would require but one glance from the legendary Don Quixote for him to emit the unsolicited assessment "Christ, are you holy-jock-sniffers ever boned!"

Truly, when you of the UCAWWW actually identify just what the heck for which your acronym stands, right-thinking Christians may begin to entertain taking up your cause. Probably not, but that's a starting point. May I suggest a merger to increase the size of your righteous hordes? A union with Methodists United To Herald Almighty Father would undeniably increase the impact of your movement. I am confident that MUTHAF-UCAWWW.org would score a ton more page hits.