15 March 2008

Race To The Bottom

by Kussmich Imarsche, IbK News Political Correspondent

Earlier this week Geraldine Ferraro resigned her position in the Hillary Clinton Presidential campaign under extreme pressure over a comment she made after Barack Obama won the Mississippi primary by taking 90% of the African-American vote. That comment: "If Obama was a white man, he wouldn't be in this position."

This comment and its subsequent rhetorical shitstorm highlight, boldify, italicize and underline the three main reasons that Democrats never win anything:

1) Democrats tend to state the truth when it is least convenient. By that, I don't mean the timing of stating the truth, I mean when the facts themselves are best left to lie unroused. I can't think of a single white man in all of world history who could get 90% of the African-American vote against the wife of a man often called America's First Black President. Sure, Thomas Jefferson proved he cared deeply (and repeatedly) about the female black community at the individual level, but the whole slave-owning thing would likely prove a bit of a turn-off for the greater demographic. Jesus, according to the stories I've read, was half-Middle Eastern, half-Celestial. That may have averaged out to "white-looking", but He still doesn't count as white for this purpose - especially if he's a Democrat. See my next point for explanation.

2) Politically-Correct Democrats feel the need to label every single minority, then complain about racism. If race truly isn't important, why the hell all these PC Nazis running around slapping hyphenated labels on everybody who isn't from European descent? For shit's sake, these uptight ninnies won't pull the Titanium Ramrod of Racial Recognition Righteousness out of their asses until Vegas has us all betting on "Native-Roullettian" or "African-Roulettian" for a two-to-one payout. If a person with dark-colored skin is named Bill, why not just call him Bill instead of "African-American"for crying out loud?

Besides, aren't "African-", and "Native-" just as insensitive as "black" or "Indian"? Do South Africans share a common heritage and history with Egyptians? Isn't the genocide in Darfur a concerted effort by one tribe of melanin-rich individuals to fucking eradicate an entirely different tribe of melianin-rich individuals? That souds like a pair of African societies that may have issue with being lumped together, what? Did the Hopi or Navajo endure the Trail of Tears march to Oklahoma? Were ambushes and mass scalpings the merely Mohawks' peculiarly flavored way of saying "Greetings, Neighbor!" to the Cherokee? Grouping these tribes together by geographic origin simply because they have the same skin color is very likely even MORE insulting than referring to them by said skin color. Call a Korean man "oriental" and he'll likely shrug you off as harmless idiot. Call him "Chinese" and it will take a team of surgeons to reattach your lips to your face.

But I digress...

3) The Democratic Party is so diverse that the only thing the factions have in common is that they aren't Republicans. Once you navigate away from the Centrist wing of the Democratic Party, through the Compromisers, Appeasers, Yielders, Quitters, and French Who Bathe, you find yourself among the "progressives". These are your single-issue activists who settle for nothing less than complete satisfaction of their demands. No compromises, no give-and-take - if you aren't with them then you are against them. They're the ones who vote third party if anybody in the DNC questions the practicality of mandating transvestite-only restrooms complete with sanitary-napkin dispensers and baby-changing tables all across the country.

Not only do these fringers fracture the voting block within the Democratic Party, they also savage Democratic contestants publicly in their rant-riddled media forums (most often blogs like this one without the elements of entertainment or semi-cogent thought). Therefore, because a candidate's campaign assistant stated a non-Nobel-winning inconvenient truth, the PC Ninnies and Pro-Tranny-Only-Crapper factions of the Democratic Party assail the candidate with shrill charges of racism and insensitivity. The Appeasers, Yielders and French Who Bathe meekly agree with the Shrill Ranters, the Compromisers call for a Party meeting and the Quitters just give up on voting for any of their party's oh-so-flawed candidates all together. While one faction of Democrats braces its battalion for a full frontal offensive from another faction of Democrats, the Republicans rest comfortably as John McCain prepares the popcorn.

Good show, what?

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