24 February 2008

Types of Employee Behavior Warranting Disciplinary Action

by Rick Spender, HR Director

Good Afternoon, Kiddies.

After a year and a half, top brass decided my"Interim" as HR Director was long enough and gave me the job and title for real. That means I have total control over policy decisions, up to and including "editing" the Employee Handbook. Heh heh...

Strap yourself in good, Mary Ellen - this road trip's gonna take some damned sharp turns!

Back in October 2006, I addressed a pressing Sexual Harassment issue with a common-sense self-policing approach that has seemed to work rather well - the whininess level over "uncomfortable working conditions" dropped to the point where I could actually put together a decent benefits package for everybody. With that little "editing" experiment turning out to be such an unqualified operational success, I figure why not revamp the whole stinking manual?

Our current manual reads like an Atlanta lawyer's hungover nightmare - the himbo haircuts in Marketing can't understand it and the malcontented jagoffs in Legal tuck into it like an Aspbergers kid to an evil-level Sudoku. This helps frickin' nobody - neither you employees who can't figure out your rights and responsibilities nor The Company, who pays those weaselly fourth-year law school interns to shove their discount store wingtips up it own ass. Therefore, the entire Employee Manual (herein called... you know - toss this parenthetical bollockery! If you can't tell what I'm talking about, you're too damned thick to work here!) will be revamped, starting with the Types of Employee Behavior Warranting Disciplinary Action section.

Effective immediately, the following will replace Section 12, Pages 12-1 through 12-26 in the Employee Manual. Seriously, rip that ass-covering verbal diarrhea right out of your handbooks and take it to the shredder box nearest your workstation - I never want to hear it quoted to me again.

Types of Employee Behavior Warranting Disciplinary Action
The following three categories of employee behavior are expressly inappropriate at the workplace and thus punishable with disciplinary action up to and including termination of employment with Company at management's discretion:
DUMBASSEDNESS
Wanton violation of safety rules and repeated incomplete or inaccurate performance of duties after instruction, training, retraining, and / or wetnurse-like handholding are the two main categories of employee behavior falling under the "Dumbassedness" heading. You get paid to do a job - if you're too untrainably imbecilic to do it right, you damned well shouldn't get paid for it. (Note: If you had too look up more than three of the words in that last sentence, practice saying this phrase at home tonight: "Welcome to Wal-Mart!". You'll need it for your next job.) Further, this is a functioning jobsite, not a casting call for "Jackass 4." Wear your safety equipment ON THE BODY PART FOR WHICH IT WAS DESIGNED - shoving a pair of hardhats under your shirt and shouting "Check it out, Cooter - I'm Scarlett Johanssen!" will be a knee-slappin' laugh riot to explain at the unemployment office.
DICKHOLERY
Co-worker harrassment of all types and chronic unexplained tardiness and/or unexcused absences constitute largely, but not exclusively, the inappropriate workplace behavior classified as "dickholery". Everybody you work with - even the IT guy with a nigh-religious aversion to deodorant - is a human being and deserves to be treated with some dignity. (Of course, the treat-others-with-respect blade cuts both ways, Lordak, Exalted Foe Of Hygiene - we all have to breathe the same limited quantity of air, thanks to the whole roof-and-walls structure of our building.) Racial, gender-based, and playtime-orientation based commentary of a derogatory nature will not be tolerated - with exceptions for those oh-so-deserving smug-as-Hell Notre Dame, Red Sox and Cowboy fan fartcatchers.
Further those of you who can't seem to time your route to work within half an hour or so of your scheduled starting time are technically classified as dickholes, and are subject to discipline as such. The only excuse one could have for being that damned late nearly every damned day is that one is a nomadic drifter who sleeps under the first unoccupied bridge they can find on a nightly basis - at which point Management is well within its rights to question your paycheck-spending priorities, thus tucking you right back into the "dickhole" bucket.
DOUCHEBAGGERY
Self-serving behavior enacted at the expense of other associates or The Company is herein categorized as "douchebaggery". Examples of douchebaggery include, but are not limited to, taking credit for others' work, backstabbing, petty office politicking, and self-contradictory management doublespeak. Look - we all have to work for a living. We may as well try to get along with each other and let the efficacious cream rise to the top rather than the jizzwad produced by self-satisfaction. The Company derives no benefit from arrogant associates tromping on productive associates, and the Company is the one paying your presumptuous ass. Bow before the one you serve, Bitch.
RESOLUTION OF DISPUTES REGARDING ABOVE
All charges of Dumbassedness, Dickholery, and Douchebaggery will be investigated thoroughly and arbitrated as fairly as an impartial outside party could reason with respect to the benefits and harms of the complainant, the defendant, and The Company. Sackless mewling will not be tolerated - The Company pays me to do a job, too, and that job isn't handing out lollipops to pretty popcorn princesses with eggshell egos. Should a full investigation bear out that the complainant was just jacking us all around to get back at a coworker, complainant will subsequently be charged with Douchebaggery and dealt with exceptionally harshly.
(As a note to potential Douchebag complainants: Don't even try that weak-ass "vague and indeterminate policy" gambit against us. We have lawyers too. Big lawyers. Lawyers that have their own office BUILDINGS, not just offices. Our lawyers eat lawyers like yours for breakfast and shit out second-cousins-in-law-school before morning coffee break.)

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