Wine Review - Hedrington Cellars Sauvignon Blanc

by Jonathan Ray Keller

Greetings, oenophiles! The wise editors of this fine publication have asked to enlist my vast expertise in the ways of fancy frivolous fluids to steer the wine-drinkers among its readership toward - or strongly away from -a featured wine. Taste along with me, what?

This episode's featured wine: Hedrington Cellars Sauvignon Blanc ($14 at the tasting room)

Nose: The aroma of this vintage can be best described as playful - playful in traffic perhaps, but playful nonetheless. Upon first whiff, the light, airy aroma of hibiscus and juniper tantalize your senses. This unbridled delight is followed a tenth of a second later by a more pronounced scent of cider vinegar, light Italian salad dressing, and whore's crotch. The nose of their Sauvignon Blanc awards the House of Hedrington a complete victory over the previously haunting mystery "What would be the scent of giant grapes douching?"

Mouth Feel: The mouth feel of Hedrington's Sauv Blanc is truly a unique experience - simultaneously citric and creamy. The most accurate analogy I can surmise would be if one had just orally serviced a grapefruit to satisfaction... and he'd have to offer more than the standard extra five to justify swallowing.

Fingers: The quickly receding narrow rivulets of wine momentarily adhering to the side of the glass cause the drinker to wonder where those fingers have been. Considering the meek shame into which they rapidly retreat, my guess would be up its Nose.

Flavor: Traces of pineapple and grapefruit distinctly punctuate the overall flavor experience. More accurately, the flavor is as if pineapples and grapefruit were dissolved in tank of kerosene, the kerosene were set on fire, and that fire were extinguished with the furious pissing of a thousand inbred carnies.

Overall Experience: The management at Hedrington Cellars truly enhance the experience of this sauv blanc with the aesthetic of their tasting room. Imagine soft light classical music lilting in the background of a blissfully stocked tasting room the size of a small warehouse with hardwood floors, oak bars with brass and walnut trim and the light aroma of cinnamon and vanilla wafting blithely throughout. Maintaining that image is the only way you'll survive the reality of being served the above described pecker-squeezings of a demon by malodorous college fail-out stoners who blast the noise of some neo-hippie fauxlk "musician" with the guitar skills of a constipated mule, the voice of Bob Dylan afer gargling with diesel fuel and broken glass, and apparently playing a harmonica via arse.

In conclusion, I highly recommend a trip to Hedrington Cellars for a sample of Sauvignon Blanc to any potential future vintners. The message to be taken away: "Sweet Jumpin' Jesus... this could be me. Maybe doing accounts payable for a produce wholesaler until I'm seventy-four years old won't be so bad."