Loggeth Ye On The Multitudes And FAQeth

by God

Let's make this quick - I've got a universe to tend to.

I still answer tons of worthy earnest prayers, but it appears I may need to update my answering delivery system. Back in the day, my answer came in the form of floods and rainbows, a plague of locusts, breadstorms, chariots in the sky - you know, the flashy metaphorical stuff that really got people's attention. Well, now that there are thousands of times as many of you asking for hundreds of times as many favors each, such grandiose delivery would get really flippin' messy really fast. One day's worth of prayer-answering in the old style would have the whole lot of you wading armpit-deep in bread crubs and locust dung while ducking from flaming ethereal chariot wheels strewn about from the multitude of accidents during rush hour on the hyper-congested heavenly highway.

Therefore, I'll answer the greatest number of prayers in the quickest and clearest way modern technology allows - as FAQs on a website and advice columns in a blog.

First a FAQ...

Ye The Multitudes: "Please let me win the lottery! I'll do really great things with the money and honor Your glory and blah blah blah..."

GOD: No. There's your answer - no. Simple enough?

I don't deal with games of chance - those are all a random function of math. If I go tilting lotteries and poker games and football pools one way or the next, it's too much like playing favorites, since invariably another one of my children is asking the same thing of me for a different set of numbers, progressive slot machine, hockey team, what have you. I refuse to play favorites among my children (unless your initials are JC and have wicked carpal tunnel syndrome ;-}).

Besides, it's entirely impractical since you all pick different numbers... and even if you all got together and picked the same numbers, the pot wouldn't be worth winning. Sure I'm love and goodness and light whatnot, but you have to admit that we'd all be going through a heck of a lot of trouble to hit a jackpot that amounts to $3.27 a year for the next 26 years after it gets split so many million ways, eh? How about using all that communication and brotherhood to fix a poor man's house or solve the Arab-Israeli issue? That would actually answer one of MY prayers for a nice change of pace.

Now a letter...

To B.B. in Foxboro, MA - I did no such thing, YOU just missed the message: Establish the running game. Why do you think I gave your quarterback the gimpy ankle in the week off? Dope.