13 April 2008

Heroing Ain't Easy

By Sperman

You’d think the life of a superhero would be pure glamour and glitz that would leave us all cape-deep in bling, babes and non-stop adulation. Well, in truth… not so much.

Fact is, we run a pretty lean operation here at the Justice League. Nobody pays us for what we do - we aren’t heroes for hire or anything… heck, we’re not even on the city payroll like firemen or the police. The only money we see comes from our residuals from comic books, movies, and related merchandising. Truth be told, it’s only thanks to that dweeb Tobey McGuire that we even have cable in the rec room here.

And you can just for-the-hell-get about benefits. Batman’s been working non-stop for nearly 70 years – you’d think with his seniority that he should be able to live out the rest of his days fishing off the coast of Boca, but no-o-o-o-o. After he foils a caper, he drags his geriatric ass back into the lab to come up with new Bat-shit we can use to make lives better, such as his own full-body Bat-Girdle to keep his centenarian shit together, Supe’s perma-curl mega-mousse so that one curly thing dangling down on his forehead stays in place when he flies, and the Junk Cloaker for my leotard-required public appearances when kids or Baptists might be around.

Health plan? Dude… we’re Superheroes! We aren’t supposed to get hurt. Granted, most of us are just humans with special abilities, but best of luck getting Kaiser Permanente to take Aquaman’s prescription for Flomax seriously. Besides, if we ever break anything, the Kryptonian’s X-Ray vision will tell us what and where, Wonder Woman will rope it up and we’ll send those assache interns The Wonder Twins out to cover our shift until we heal.

It’s not bad, really, because we’re in this game to help mankind, not for the money. Super Powers + Greed = Super Villain. Sure, Super Villains get to buy all those way cool nuclear gamma expando-destructo ray thingies and hire minions and hot, curvy, judo-trained sidekicks with all their coin, but deep down they’re pitiable shells of human beings who destroy simply because nobody ever loved them for who they are. Besides, as long as we keep working together, us Superheroes always kick their rich evil asses, just like in that Meatballs movie from ‘79. How cool is that?!

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