05 April 2008

2008 IbK Real Man™ Bronze Scrotum Award Winner: Dude In Section 108C, Row 16

by Knorr the Interpreter

It is my honor and privilege to award the inaugural IbK Real Man™ Bronze Scrotum Award to The Dude In The Orange Shirt In Section 108C, Row 16 at the 4 April 2008 Lake Erie Monsters game at Quicken Loans Arena. During the first intermission, I witnessed you walking down the entire flight of steps between two sections of raucous hockey fans carrying a purse. Normally, that would be grounds for ridicule, but the why and how you carried that purse are truly meritorious.

Your sacrifice of short-term man points to deliver a purse your female companion accidentally left behind God-only-knows-where on an entirely different level of Quicken Loans Arena exemplified true devotion to your forgetful paramour. It takes a guy who knows exactly what he’s packing in the pickle jar to have the confidence to pull of such an act of bravado. But not only is WHY you committed this valiant act of self-sacrifice worthy of highest note, but the HOW deserves equal if not greater praise. Throughout the entire emasculating trek down the 80-foot flight of concrete stairs with 12,000+ hockey fans looking on, you boldly held the purse at a slightly-cocked arm’s length by the far corner of the zipper as if it were a fully and freshly loaded soft leather diaper with shoulder straps. The angle of the purse never wavered - remaining perfectly parallel to the ground the entire trip in defiance of all natural physical principles – thus exemplifying the formidable wrist strength of an IbK Real Man™. ‘Twas obvious you had no desire to carry the purse, equally obvious you were fully cognizant of the risk to your manliness doing so would present, yet in the name of love of a woman you braved the potential hazards and emerged the bigger man than all those who thought of mocking you.

Congratulations, Dude In The Orange Shirt In Section 108C, Row 16 at the 4 April 2008 Lake Erie Monsters game at Quicken Loans Arena. It is with great awe and pride that I award you the inaugural IbK Real Man™ Bronze Scrotum Award for your brazen purse-carrying during the first intermission. If your ladyfriend didn’t *at least* give you a blowjob for your grand act of valor, there is no damned justice in this world.

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