Loggeth Ye On The Multitudes And FAQeth: Cancer

by God

OK, I've got about twenty minutes, so let's do this. Yes, I love you all, all my children, infinitely, but for cryin' out loud - DADDY'S WORKING! I need some room to breathe - and my being infinitely huge requires just that much more space sometimes.

First, a FAQ:

Ye The Multitudes: Why oh why God did you create cancer and/or allow cancer to exist? It's so cruel and heartless, vicious and seemingly random - it makes no sense that a truly loving God would allow such an illness to steal the lives from so many of his children.

GOD: Cancer isn't Mine, and I'm bound by My Word to leave it be.

Oh, I'm sure you'll want an explanation for that one...

Remember Genesis when Lucifer and I had that falling-out? I cast him to the pits of Hell beyond the boundaries of my sight and love and all that? That was a hasty decision, granted, but at the time I had absolutely no idea what insurrection was, much less how to deal with it. Anyway, time goes by, I make Earth as an eternal terrestrial paradise, while Louie's assertion that everybody truly wants to overthrow Me kept gnawing at me. Therefore, I put a couple people in the Garden as test subjects and gave them quite literally infinity-minus-one trees from which to choose fruit. That turd Lucifer coerced my perfect creation to turn against me - to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil so they could operate without me, just like he said they would.

Long story short, Louie and I had a bet - if humans would stay happy with their position receiving My infinite gifts for all eternity, I win and Lucifer remains banished from all My creation. If they get all uppity and think they could do my job like Lucifer did, he wins dominion over Earth. He won, obviously, so Earth is his. Yes, I could destroy Satan and his wickedness with my undying might, of course, but that would be turning back on My Word. I can't in good conscience expect My children to hold My name on high if I go around welching on bets that I lost fair and square.

Thus cancer, being of Earth, is Satan's, so I won't stop it. Cancer falls into Satan's efficient production line called Science. He doesn't want to hire angels to do things and give good-paying jobs to honest, hard-working cherubim like I do, so he set up a system of causalities to take care of earthly life operation automatically. Thanks to Science, his profit margins are bulging - AND he gets to go on vacations and stuff. Pretty sweet deal for the wicked little bastard... but to Hell with him.

Cancer is a part of Science, not some pox sent down from the Heavens to condemn the unrighteous and whatnot. Besides, too many good people have been taken by cancer for such a foul thing to be My creation. I'm in no hurry to see any of you up here - infinity is infinity as far as I'm concerned whether it starts when you're forty-three or ninety-three. You My children seem to have caught on to the whole Science thing about five centuries or so ago - keep working on it. Fact is, if cancer didn't attack so many good people, you probably wouldn't go after it so strongly - looks like Satan's little efficiency hang-up may just turn out to be his own undoing.

Here's the deal - you solve cancer, defeat Satan's great machine, show him how wrong he was, then understand how wrong he was, and turn back to worship Me alone, proving I was right about you all along.

Not that I would gloat or anything...

And now, a letter...

To L.J., Bath, OH - I'm not the higher power from whom you should be seeking answers. Try your questions on the dung-for-brains that thought that $14-million-a-year-for-five-rebounds-a-game Buckwheat-zilla-looking Ben Wallace was a wise investment of limited resources. Good game, though.