04 May 2008

Graxog Reporting: "Relaxation"

by Graxog, Earth Study Advance Team Leader from Planet Eidelor IV

Previous reports confirmed - the spottily-haired bipeds called "Humans" are indeed the dominant life form upon this planet. Their behaviors, especially those unique to Humans among all Earthly lifeforms, merit further study.

Per Eidelor regulation sociological observance protocol, I shall begin studying Humans by observing the highest ranking Humans (as determined by relative reverence proferred them) in the most advanced and/or powerful cultures. These Humans (who tend to be paler, balder, doughier and more likely to evacuate liquid biowaste in a standing position) frequently mention a need for an activity called "Relaxation".

I observed a small herd of such Humans engaging in this activity by assuming the form of a common indiginous winged creature most often found in similar climes as this Relaxation. To alleviate Human suspicion, I disengaged all recording media and occasionally defecated on a statue to blend in, thus all accounts are strictly from memory.

Apparently, Relaxation is a group activity involving petty mockery, self-induced frustration, masochistic infuriation, kilometers of angry walking and oddly-shaped sticks. The object is to place a 5 cm dimpled spheriod often called by those engaged in Relaxation as the "Ball" or "Filthy Cocksucker" into a 9 cm hole hundreds of meters away in as few attempts as possible by striking it with the aforementioned sticks. Between the site at which the Filthy Cocksucker is originally struck and the hole of its intentioned disposition lie sand pits, water bodies, hills, trees, and vegetation of various lengths. The only apparent purpose of these unfortunate geological formations known as "Hazards" or "Goat-Fucking Whores" is to hinder or redirect the progress of the Filthy Cocksucker toward the hole.

An hours-long physical exercise in futility, inefficiency and discomfort, this Relaxation must serve the role of a cautionary tale - a refresher in living metaphor on the obstacles to success which they clearly must avoid in their daily endeavors. In some ways, these leader Humans are to be commended for their dedication to their station - time which Eideloran leaders would find appropriate for recreation, Human leaders commit to humbling exercises in susceptibility through Relaxation. Perhaps my evaluation is tinged by my cultural bias, but were I offered the opportunity to engage in Relaxation, I would rather get laid.

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