22 April 2008

Deadly Shooting Rampage Not Particularly Tragic

by Lars Eisenberg

SCHAUMBERG, IL (IbK) -- Yesterday afternoon at 12:45, a heavily-armed man stormed into the Fourth Street Bank and Trust office on Phillips Avenue and emptied two magazines of bullets into patrons awaiting service, killing four and injuring dozens before taking his own life. Among the victims were Eric Faulkner, 32, of North Chicago, Bert Stellis, 58, of Evanston, Harold Phipps, 47 and Louise Turner, 44, both of Schaumberg.

This is the point of the article about where I should be describing the senseless tragedy of brillant and charitable lives cut short in a brutal hail of random vengeance in an effort to trade in the kind of emotional pornography that gets picked up by wire services and wins awards, but all evidence points to yesterday's victims being complete assholes.

"Eric got whacked?" mused a co-worker who would only call himself C. F. for the purposes of this interview. "Hunh... what are the odds? I usually don't get that lucky on Mondays!" C. F. went on to describe Faulkner as a loud, inconsiderate boor of a co-worker who frequently jacked jaws for hours on end at top volume on his speakerphone, and sat on projects for weeks before pawning them off to C. F. as "rush jobs" while farting in his cubicle. When asked if he had any regrets on the passing of his coworker, C. F. lamented the fact that he'd never get back the five bucks he loaned Faulkner for lunch last Friday, but quickly said he'd gladly pay ten to never see "that shitstain Eric" again.

Bert Stellis was by all accounts a pasty-fleshed, clammy, lecherous blob who, in the words of an unnamed server at the Hooters he frequented, "would pinch your ass and laugh, then leave a $1.50 tip." She went on to mention Stellis's frequent bawdily-detailed recounts of the previous evening's stripclub exploits to anyone withing a fifty foot radius and closed the conversation with a spirited "Fuck him!"

One of the policeman at the scene of the incident immediately recognized Harold Phipps as "that uppity S.O.B. with dozens of parking tickets" and who drove "like he had a demon up his ass." Officer W (again, not wishing to be named) assessed the streets as safer today than yesterday with "that arrogant douchenugget off the road." Officer W immediately called to have Phipps's car impounded for sale to pay off all his outstanding fines.

Louise Turner was chief collections agent for Sears Credit. Enough said there, what? Meanwhile, the shooter, Murray "Captain Shizbinx-Frelinda VII" Arminster was merely a loon who went off his meds and thought the banks were clandestine partners of the evil Pan-Galactic Conglomerate conspiring to spread its testicle-shrinking Omicron Rays by circulating Wisconsin state quarters. Sadly, we have no heroes here.

I am sorry to disappoint those of you quaking with the DTs for your daily outrage fix, but since it is extremely difficult to paint a vivid picture of sanguine tragedy when your pallette is caked with pigshit, in this case it is better that I simply report the facts. I'm sure something patently horrible will pop up for you between now and Oprah - hang in there!

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home