Blockbuster Trade Sends Iowan Homecoming Queen To Boston

by Lars Eisenberg

It's official: Marlon and Elizabeth Stensland of Ashton, IA have traded their 17-year-old daughter Kayleigh to Justin and Heather Birelli of Boston, MA. In exchange for their two-time Homecoming and Corn Festival Queen, the Stenslands will receive 12-year-old Beckie Birelli, 9-year-old Topher and a puppy to be named later.

Finalizing the trade was bittersweet for the Stenslands, but they believe all parties will be the better for it. "Kayleigh has gone as far as she could go here," explains Marlon. "She's proven herself worthy of a great future winning all those contests, leading the [Ashton High] Lady Vikings to another softball championship all while holding a solid B+ average, but central Iowa just doesn't have much to offer a young ambitious and talented woman these days. We had to make the trade... for her sake."

Elizabeth Stensland looks forward to her family's new future. "Besides, we've always wanted a bigger family but the stars never lined up for us. With Beckie and Topher, we'll have a chance to share so much more with each other. And with our experience in raising such a beautiful and upstanding young woman like Kayleigh, Beckie and Topher are joining our organization at just the right time. Sure, you can say the Stenslands are rebuilding, but five or six years from now you'll be saying it in our house full of trophies!"

The Birellis are also ecstatic about their franchise-shaking transaction. "I still can't believe it, Heather... we got Stensland! Holy shit... Iowa's All-Everything Kayleigh Stensland is coming to Boston! Kayleigh in da HOUSE, yo!" Mrs. Birelli translates, "Justin is obviously overjoyed that we acquired such a talented young lady. He is certain that with Kayleigh's athletic, academic and social resume, the doors of the Ivy League will open wide and let us waltz right in."

Trade talks originated around March during the Stensland's planting offseason. They knew Kayleigh deserved all the best for her senior year of high school, but weren't sure they could provide it. June's state-wide flooding cemented the Stensland's position for the year, so Marlon set the phone lines on fire to make a deal happen. "We'll get some insurance money, but all that has to go back into the farm - the equipment, new barns, new silos, new seed and all that. We'll get by in the long run, but there just won't be enough to give Kayleigh the senior year she deserves." Elizabeth embellishes, "The Stensalnds have a great future - that's why we're so excited to get Beckie and Topher - just not much of a present. We only had a few months to make Kayleigh want to stay. We *had* to trade her - or let her walk away and get nothing in return."

Fortunately for the Stenslands, the Birellis were in the market and ready to deal. "Justin just made junior partner, so money is no obstacle for us," explains Heather Birelli. "We've got everything in place to win NOW - the only piece of the puzzle we were missing was a society superstar to open the doors of more of Boston's movers and shakers to us. Kayleigh is gorgeous, smart, outgoing and charming. She'll get invited to all the top-shelf birthday parties and have every Preston Richboy The Third in school asking her out - just the ticket we need to shake the hands that pull the strings of this town."

"We'll miss Beckie and Topher, but twelve-and-nine-year olds just don't give you championship opportunities," expounds Justin. "Kayliegh is a senior - that means prom; that means college visits; that means more maturity, mobility - more opportunity! When I drop Kayleigh off at a sleepover, the parents of the host girl will be there... and be somebody. The guy next to me at her softball games will probably be a CEO or Chairman of something, and when he says 'Who is that hard-hitting shortstop?' I'll be able to say 'My daughter!' with a proud smile and extended hand. Shit, yeah - you'll be hearing 'Birellis Win!' so much, you'll probably get tired of hearing about us. But, hey - don't hate us because we're beautiful..."

Marlon Stensland sums up the trade most succinctly. "It will be a tough transition, but this deal in a win-win for all parties involved." He then hugged the newest Stenslands while notifying the Birellis that he expects his puppy within a week.