Horse-Mommy KISS-Drummer Heft, Each Individual!

by Knorr the Interpreter

Last week, I sent a message of good holiday tidings around the world in the form of a Christmas Carol verse. I was so happy that it came back to me this morning that I had to share it with all of you! It's been translated a few hundred times, so it may be a bit tough to recognize at first...

Enjoy!
Merry Christmas!
Happy Holidays!

... and for those of you easily offended by any recognition of religious and/or cultural festivities -

Have a great late December (... and it will be even better once you pull the pine-tree branch out of your ass!)

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Patio cold-lozenges featuring Elastigirl’s voice bending at the waist
Autumn Islamic God, I can’t hear you [fingers in my ears]
The calendar dictates we get fat and wear red felt
Stumble Islamic God, I can’t hear you [fingers in my ears]
We hasten to dress in our assless-chaps and chain vests with hooped nipple rings
Harvest time for the Islamic God, I can’t hear you [fingers in my ears]
Geriatric mythical bridge protector awash in large waves of the King of Siam and Archie Bunker
Faceplant Islamic God, I can’t hear you [fingers in my ears]

Afterthought: Fat Chance

by Brian Peebles

Some guys really ought to check the mirror and/or what's lying beside them before they open their cheddar holes about who is hot-or-not these days...

I overheard Alpha Marketeer Skippy and his bootlicking brood during their latest testosterone-tweaking titty talk - this time about celebrity women who have "let themselves go." One of the less remarkable hangers-on whom I'll call Flounder quipped something to the effect "Dude... those shots of Jennifer Love-Hewitt in her bikini make Britney look anorexic!" which elicited snarky laughter from the whole pack.

Flounder : I've seen the photos in question, and indeed Ms. Hewitt is markedly softer in the middle (and the back) than she used to be. That happens. She's not 23 anymore. Also, those were vacation photos, not publicity shots from a Hollywood studio set - she's bound to be less appealing under such circumstances. Ms. Hewitt, however, is still an attractive woman - bikinis are terrifically unforgiving outfits and would fail to flatter 95% of female body shapes - and were JLH to walk up to you in a normal bar setting and ask you for a drink, odds are that nothing would rise faster than your credit card to the bartender except the pup tent in your BVDs.

Besides, Flounder, I've seen you in "action". The ladies you try to go home with after your pole-dancer infused drinkfests also make Britney look anorexic. They even make Ms. Hewitt look anorexic. As a matter of fact, they make Rosie O'Donnell look like a nude Angelina Jolie fresh off a month at TrimSpa. Since I've known you, the only thing you've nailed under 200 pounds without paying for it is currently holding your coffee cup.

Don't be playa hatin' if you ain't a playa, F-Dawg - and playing with yourself does not rate.

Anatomy of a Product Launch - Gangsta Rap

by SocratoBot 3000, Xylar VII Debullshitification Droid

I am rich and commune carnally with multiple women.
You should be impressed.
In awe of my glory, you should buy my products
(Thus making me richer still)
Or eagerly join with me in the biblical sense
(If you are a shapely female).
Should you fail to yield to my greatness
Or deny these facts altogether
I will pump bullets into your skull
With no blemish upon my conscience
While referring to you with epithets of derision.

I used to sell drugs on the street for a living.
That type of life was treacherous, yet I thrived.
On occasion, gunplay would intrude upon
My normal course of business.
My personage received its fair share of lead projectiles -
One must endure such painful inconveniences
To succeed in such a profitable underground trade.
Motherfucker.

The quality of my material
And reliability of its delivery
Merited great acclaim.
As I rose through the ranks of the urban drug cartels
I became noticed by powerful and important people.
These moguls invited me to their ornate festive gatherings
Replete with narcotics and attractive promiscuous women.
Among the elite, I furthered my reputation therein
Until one suggested I present my life's story
In a rhythmic poetic form
Riddled with vulgarites
To make listener's heads and backsides
Wriggle rhythmically back and forth.

Behold! My success in this artistic venture
Netted me more fame and profit
And unforeseen quantities of raunchy sex with strange ladies
Than my previous illicit pharmaceutical venture.
Therefore, I resigned from the drug trade in order to
Devote my energies to this more profitable pursuit.
Bitch.

I am rich and commune carnally with multiple women.
You should be impressed.
In awe of my glory, you should buy my products
(Thus making me richer still)
Or eagerly join with me in the biblical sense
(If you are a shapely female).
Should you fail to yield to my greatness
Or deny these facts altogether
I will pump bullets into your skull
With no blemish upon my conscience
While referring to you with epithets of derision.
(repeat ad infinitum)

May We Have Some Playoffs NOW, M'Lords?

by Espen Jockovitch

In short: This year, the search for One True Champion in Major College Football is more fucked than Jenna Jameson at a three-day lock-in at San Quentin's Cell Block D.

The 2007 Bowl Championship Series (BCS) is so royally hosed that even the people who invented it in their own self interests don't want to use it. The jumblefuck of human polls and computer rankings that has the gall to call itself a "system" was set up by the five major conferences in 1998 to decide which of their teams was to be christened as undisputed champions of Major College Football. The teams which ended up Numbers 1 and 2 through their "system's" sinister calculus were to face each other in a championship game, and the winner is the king.

Sound simple? Well, it wasn't. The mathematical formula has been mildly tweaked every year and radically overhauled four times in its decade-long existence due to complaints over equity, questions of value regarding losses versus strength-of-schedule, and the conferences flat not liking who goes to the game. Although 2007's formula is essentially the same as 2006's, with which nobody had much of a problem, complaints abound as to whether or not the BCS will be able to determine a true champion this season.

Why is that, you may ask? Read on, Homefries.

Coming into this week, this was your BCS Top Five:
1. Missouri
2. West Virginia
3. Ohio State
4. Georgia
5. Kansas

There's a list which, outside of the Buckeyes, has about as much history of excellence in college football as the Northwestern Alberta Agricultural Technical Institute and Bait Shop Mighty Irritable Caribou. To make this fuck even more clustered, the following is the result of this week's action:

1. Missouri - Lost to Oklahoma in the Big 12 Conference championship game
2. West Virginia - Lost to 5-7 Pitt in their season finale bone-deep rivalry game
3. Ohio State - Didn't play
4. Georgia - Didn't play.
5. Kansas - Didn't play.

Now, the logical person then deduces that if #1 and 2 go down, then #3 and 4 take their place, right? Well, that would be logical - THOUGH NOT AS LOGICAL, SIMPLE, AND FRICKIN' ABSOLUTE AS A PLAYOFF SYSTEM - and if there is anything that mathematical formulas and comptuer programs despise, it's logic.

Since nobody can say who deserves to play in the title game, the human pollsters are looking to rig the system from within in order to put their personal favorites in it. Among the favorites:

#3 - Ohio State (11-1) Big Ten Champ
They're a pretty solid bet, having their only loss to a team currently ranked in the Top 15. The complaint is that the Buckeyes played a soft schedule organized by Head Coach Jim Tressel in what he knew would be a rebuilding year. Facts are, if all the other teams the pollsters thought were going to be good didn't suck goat turds this year, The Buckeyes aren't even mentioned and they happily accept a bid for the 2007-8 Rose Bowl.

#4 - Georgia (10-2)
They finished 10-2 with their losses to SEC East division winner Tennessee and a tenacious-if-underachieving South Carolina Gamecocks. The knock on Georgia is that they didn't even play in their conference championship, so they shouldn't be eligible for the National (see Nebraska's 37-14 drubbing by Miami in 2001-2 for historical perspective). That, and I can't get out of here without a cheap "can't even beat their 'Cocks" comment...

#5 - Kansas (11-1)
See Georgia RE: Conference championship conundrum. Although the Jayhawks posted the same 11-1 record as #3 OSU, Kansas's pathetic strength of schedule makes the Buckeyes look like they took on the twelve labors of Hercules.

#6 - Virginia Tech (11-2) ACC Champ
The Hokies won the ACC Championship and posted an 11-2 record. Their losses are the problem here: one was to Boston College, who they defeated yesterday in their rematch for the ACC title game, and #7 LSU, who kicked their dicks in by a rather definitive 48-7 count.

#7 - LSU (11-2) SEC Champ
The Bayou Bengals were the odds-on favorite to win it all this year, but they sufferred two triple-overtime losses to teams that finished well out of the Top 25. That and their coach is a whiny little vagina of a man regarding said losses. The name says it all, Les.

#8 - USC (10-2) PAC 10 Co-Champ
Frankly, I don't even know why the Trojans are even in this conversation, except for the fact that pasty 50-year-old sports writers thoroughly enjoy watching USC's stunning cheerleaders bounce around. USC's losses were to a 4-8 Stanford and an at-the-time highly-ranked Oregon who has since fallen off the face of the earth due to their quarterback's season-ending injury. Computers don't care about injuries, so those losses will keep USC in the Rose Bowl.

#9 - Oklahoma (11-2) Big 12 Champ
To their credit, the Sooners are the only team to beat former #1 Missouri, and they did it twice. Against them are their losses to unranked Colorado and Texas Tech. That, and if they're so damned worthy, why are they #9 right now? I can't conceive of a good reason to jump Oklahoma over three other teams previously ranked ahead of them who also won this week. I'm sure some writers - and every Big 12 Conference commissioner - will come up with a few, though.

Ironically, the only team truly worthy of a National Championship shot, the twelfth-ranked undefeated WAC Champion Hawaii Rainbow Warriors, are barely getting any breath at all in this conversation. Granted, their schedule was as mild as a Nebraskan Taco Bell enchilada, but they are the ONLY team to beat everybody they faced. If that's not the definition of a champion, my dictionary lies. Truth be told, the Warriors biggest obstacle to the BCS Championship Game is the fact that they aren't in one of the five conferences that built the BCS "system" to preserve their self-determined birthright to national titles.

However this wacky-assed BCS thing shakes out, nobody will be happy. This miserable miasma of mediocrity cries out for a winner-take-all playoff Capital-S System louder than ever. If we don't get one after this deplorable diarrheic debacle, the only bowl college football fans will fill freely is the crapper.