So Long Laurel Wreath, Hello Maple Leaf!

By Pierre “Dougie” MacDougall, Canadian Prime Minister, 2061 to present

So, hey. I’m really glad the Secretary-General invited me to come in and address all you fine people at the UN – that was quite polite of her, eh? I would say she didn’t have to do that, but I’d be getting ahead of myself... and it’s really not totally true.

So I’m sure you remember about ten years ago when China initiated their leveraged takeover of the US after America defaulted on its trade debt? Ya, well it didn’t go over so well up in The Great White North, having a hostile and repressive Communist-flavored government moving in just south of us and all, but according to all the documentation, the People’s Republic was well within its rights to do so, and the UN approved it, so we Canadians welcomed our new Chinese neighbors all the same.

Everything was fine and good until China got snooty about its trade dealings with Canada. See, Beijing “forgot” that the States owed us quite a pile of cash as well. All we wanted to do was work off what the US owed us for a while before throwing cash at the Chinese government. Not only did they refuse, but they demanded payment up front… in gold Maple Leaf coins no less. Well, when Ottawa heard about that, Parliament got about as outraged as I’ve ever seen them, eh? Some seriously strongly-worded proclamations went out that day – and direct written threats from Parliament Hill to the Chinese Ambassador to Canada were delivered that even more strongly-worded proclamations were to follow, you know, given enough time for the Ambassador to deliver our first set of strongly-worded proclamations to Beijing and Beijing to act on them and such… no need to get unreasonable, eh?

To keep things short, China rebuffed all efforts to work together with us on this issue, so Canada took the ultimate drastic but necessary step to attain satisfaction – we filed a lien on China. The World Bank authorized our lien, China didn’t make the payments as specified, so now – hey – Canada owns both the US and China! Not so bad for a bunch of maple-guzzling lumberjacks, eh?

Just thought you’d like to know that Canada pretty much rules now. We control most of the nukes, gold, and iron ore left in the world, not to mention the highest-quality building products, cutting-edge energy resource technology, and a disturbingly well-armed standing army with soldiers numbering in the tens of millions. Not that I’m saying you would, but screwing with Canada isn’t such a smart idea these days. Go ahead and make your curling jokes, Brazil – we’ll see who plays the stone and who plays the broom.

In closing, Canada pwns yr @$$. Denying is lying, so this would be a good time to kiss the rings, Bitches. Mwaa haa haa haa, eh?