Punxsutawney Phil to Enter Rehab

By Lars Eisenberg

Internationally revered meteorologist Punxsutawney Phil has announced he will enter drug rehab. “My nose candy snorting is completely out of paw,” the remorseful groundhog confessed, “I can’t even see my own fxxxing shadow anymore!”

Phil will enroll in The Betty Ford Clinic’s Celebrity Rodent Facility, which offers a six-week program each winter. Premature ending of hibernation is common in woodland creature-junkies, and the BFCCRF has been booked solid between February 2 and President’s Day for the last few years. Considering his importance to society and the egregiousness of his coke-hazed judgment, the Clinic will gladly make a special exception for Phil this season.

“I apologize to everybody for my terrible weather forecast,” continued the guilt-ridden groundhog. “I’m asked to be at my best one day out of the year and I let you down. Holy crap – even a drunk ferret could tell you winter was just getting started this past February 2! Where the hell was my head?”

As is too often the case with substance abuse, Phil realized he had a problem a bit too late. He clearly didn’t hibernate at all this winter, as paparazzi famously caught the grinning groundhog riding in the back of a limousine in November with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton sitting in Britney’s lap under her skirt.