Afterthought: Holy Crap!

By Brian Peebles

The Marketeers finally got to me: they challenged my manhood to the point where I had to go out with them in order to defend my honor. I was able to convince them that I had unbreakable New Year’s Eve plans, so I only committed to a one-party deal for their December 30th New Year’s Eve Eve Warmup Bash. I held my own and hung with them until a respectable 2am (albeit by taking a few strategic bathroom breaks whenever Alpha Marketeer Skippy would sound the “SHOTS!” clarion call). We parted company on good male knuckle-bashing, slurred “Love you, Man!” terms, and I went home without incident, apparently none the worse for wear.

I don’t recall drinking TOO much, and I certainly don’t recall eating enough (quite possibly since Thanksgiving) to justify this morning’s porcelain wrath. By nine AM, I was overwhelmed by and succumbed to what could only be described as a Vengeant Etruscan Thunder Dump. I haven’t seen a bowl that full since the Port-A-Potty company went on strike during the County Fair three years ago – but this pile was all me. The following items may or may not have shot out of my ass during that wrenching, wretched twenty-minute cringe-and-purge session: A bratwurst (which I haven’t touched since Oktoberfest ’97); a tiny purple antelope (still kicking); the 3, 7, and 12A buses of the Pittsburgh Public Transit Authority; my own toes; Jimmy Hoffa’s wristwatch; the Holy Grail; Oprah.

After that awful offal workout, I am convinced that my sphincter could bench press a Buick. What the hell could possibly have caused such an evil, evil gastrointestinal seismic event? I may have set off a tsunami warning in Seattle with that Richter-scale-blowing shitfest! I’ve got to hang this on Skippy and the Marketeers – my attempt to match their intense cock-stomping, testosterone-junkie company enraged my guts to the point of mutiny. Next time Skippy calls me out, I’m going to have made arrangements with my girlfriend – either a real one, or Rachel Ray and her cooking specials on my TIVO.