Dogs Of Love, Volume 1

Relationship Advice by Patches the Beagle

Patches,
A male friend I am not interested in romantically hangs around me a little too long for my comfort level after we go out with the group. How would you let him know his individual attention isn't desired outside of the group?
Stacie F., Baltimore

Stacie,
I like to drop right down in the middle of the floor and voraciously lick my own genitals to send that “Time to go!” message to Hun’s friends if they linger a little long for my liking during their scrapbooking klatches. I’d suggest trying the old faithful JunkLap Maneuver… with caution. Considering the video clips that Sweetie enjoys watching on his computer when Hun is away, doing so may have the opposite effect with male hangers-on.

Patches,
My boyfriend and I have been an exclusive item for over seven years. Our relationship has lasted longer than most of our other friends who got married and divorced, and our love has never waned. However, whenever I hint at the desire to marry, he turns cold and distances himself emotionally for a month or two. I just turned 31 and I’m starting to hear that clock tick… is it time to ask him to commit once and for all?
Laura S., Phoenix

Laura,
Your plight is the most common – and most sensitive – situation for which I receive requests. Addressing it in a manner that doesn’t make your boyfriend feel pressured (which could foment silent resentment from him down the line) requires detailed focus and intense concentration on his feelings both expressed and unexpressed, his body language… SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! Hahaha! Hey, don’t make me chase you…all right – here I come, you fluffy-tailed rat! Hee hee! Yay! Squirrels!...