Afterthought: Rachel Ray

By Brian Peebles

So I’m getting coffee in the break room and the usual herd of marketeers are gathered with their transcendental flies down and rulers out comparing weekends, when one of them calls out to me. “Hey, Brian… Rachel Ray. Hot, right?” Since experience makes me wary of tie-clad white men in large groups, I quickly yet detachedly responded that I didn’t know her. Skippy issued me the Smirk-snort of Conversational Freedom and I went on my merry way, but of course the idea of Rachel Ray was now stuck in my head.

Considering the company that planted her name in my head, I figured she was some kind of porno queen - “Rachel Ray” is kind of porny-sounding what with the alliterative Girlname-Boyname dynamic working there – so I didn’t Google her for fear of work-related recriminations. I e-mailed my buddy Tom instead, and he told me that Rachel Ray is some cooking-show lady on that Food Channel he watches. Now I can’t imagine the titty-barfly poon-hound Marketeers all sit around getting all frothy by watching some lady putting together crepes or whatever, so I decided more research would be neccessary.

This research consisted of reflexively grabbing my Cheez-Its once I got home – dammit if she wasn’t right there on the box. Upon initial inspection, she appears to be a cute, short, perky-to-bubbly woman with a pleasing shape, so I’m still interested. Further study shows that while on the snack box, she’s wearing a brownish sweater, smiling, and holding a plate of hors d’ouevres. Petite, perky, cute, shapely, carrying food and wearing a sweater – that’s damned near the cheerleader-bringing-a-pizza fantasy that I’ve been told is every man’s ideal. With these facts in hand, I conclude that on the subject of Rachel Ray: sure, I’d hit that.

To make it official, I guess I have to come up with some clever profession-related double-entendre suggesting that I would indeed look forward to tapping dat ass. The problem here is I don’t know her cooking specialty: Is she a pastry person? Does she work mainly in the Italian food sector? Do poultry, beef or seafood factor into her entrees at all? Guess I’ll go for a generic kitchen-based comment: Yeah, that Rachel Ray… I’d sure like to get all up in her little oven, know what I’m sayin’?

There. Done and done – let the record show that should circumstances allow I indeed would relish the prospect of making Rachel Ray call me her Big Boy between the sheets. However I reserve the right to abstain from sprouting wood when grabbing my snack crackers.