Homeland Security: DC Threat Level Elevated To "Monkey-Ass Red" Until January

By Michael Chertoff, Director of Homeland Security

With the results of yesterday’s elections being certified as we speak, DHS agents foresee a marked increase in threatening and/or criminal activity in the city of Washington DC from now until January 2007.

Upwards of forty Republican congressmen are now lame ducks. It is expected that these soon-to-be-ex-lawmakers will realize their twelve-year-long slow-to-moderately-paced orgy of graft, plunder and debauchery will end shortly. Given recent history of Republican congressmen, DHS certainly does not expect this group to leave quietly – in fact, a rampage of desperate, last-minute pocket-stuffing and ya-yas-out-getting by this dangerous group is rated above a 50% likelihood by the DHS Threat Assessment Strike Team.

The DHS advises every K-Street office to change all locks on its doors and passwords on all its security and banking systems. Congressional mistresses, paramours, and paid sex trade professionals are recommended to depart the Greater DC area as quickly as possible and to leave no forwarding address. The Congressional page program has been covertly shuttered and all pages sent home immediately upon the 218th Democratic candidate winning his seat earlier this morning. All other residents of the Greater Washington DC area should also be wary of any poorly-toupeed pasty middle-aged Caucasians with backwoods accents and red bulging eyes neurotically blaming and/or complaining about Bill and/or Hillary Clinton.

Due to the severity of this alert, Homeland Security has created a new super-extreme level of threat officially named Monkey-Ass Red, under which Washington DC will be placed until January 22, 2007. All Monkey-Ass Red Threat Level protocols will be observed until that time, most notably around lobbying houses, bars and hotels near the Capitol Building.