Last-Minute Campaigning Strategies

By Carl Jameston , Political Consultant

Long-term unemployed? Dissatisfied with your current career path? Looking for a high paying position with two years of guaranteed job security? Member of the US House of Representatives may be the job for you!

Sure, there are already lots of people running for those positions, and most of them have tons more experience, campaign funding, and political clout than you… but have you seen the commercials? If you believe the TV and radio, there isn’t a decent human being in the whole lot of them. Do you want to leave the federal government to a bunch of tax and spend, pork-barrel, crony-hiring, lobbyist-serving, backroom-deal-cutting, unpatriotic haters of freedom who would sell your wife and rape your dog if left alone with them for three minutes? Of course, not, Buddy – so do something about it!

Running for office as a last-minute write-in candidate is conventionally considered a colossal Quixotic waste of time and money – but who in their right minds wants to vote for the Osama-loving gerbil fellators currently on the ballot? All you need to do is be the alternative, and you’ve got as good a shot as anybody.

We’ve got five days to make this happen. Time’s short, so here’s what you’ll need:

1) A short, easy-to-spell name. Remember, you’re asking the same group of people who apparently re-elected the man who read a frickin’ goat book throughout the Twin Towers attack as President for his leadership and crisis management skills to literally write your name on the ballot. “Bob Davis” has a plausible chance at pulling off this last-second upset victory. “Henrikk ver Bjorgensvaalderssen”? Not so much.

2) A couple billboards and radio ads. Seriously – at this point, the voting public is looking for something different to stand out above the din of the familiar. A simple, text-only billboard and speech-only commercial would be a refreshing break from the overproduced techno-vomit media assault by which the public has ruthlessly been pummeled. (This also explains the success of The Strokes.)

3) A campaign slogan for said billboards and radio ads. Something simple, straightforward, and central to your real reason for running. May I suggest something in the vein of “Indictment-free,” or “Vote for me and I’ll believe whatever you want me to believe” or “I’m SOOO not those other assclowns!”

4) No Muslims. Sorry, can’t get around that one this late in a campaign. See Rule 1 and do the math.

That’s it! Rock on, Congressmember-Elect. You’re ready to go to Washington and spend two years being blubbered over, catered to, and courted by the same group of nepotistic circle-jerkers who wouldn’t give you a shot at a decent job just last week. Ain’t democracy beautiful?