The Death of Cory Lidle - J’accuse, A-Rod!

By Espen Jockovich

Let’s get right down to it.

The airplane crash that killed New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle would never have happened if the Yankees would have advanced to the ALCS, since Lidle would have been on the practice field instead of the airfield yesterday morning. The Yankees instead lost their divisional series, giving Lidle an unnaturally early vacation in which to pursue his fatal hobby. Why were the Yankees so unceremoniously eliminated from the playoffs by some team from some foreign non-East Coast nation called Detroit? One reason and only one reason: Alex Rodriguez. Therefore A-Rod killed Cory Lidle and he deserves to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

A-Rod went to the plate fourteen times against Detroit in four games and managed only a single. If he would have gotten the nine or ten homers we all expected him to hit in that many plate appearances, the Yankees would still be alive in the playoffs and Cory Lidle would be alive in the bullpen. But no - that overpaid ball-scratcher A-Rod flailed away in his evil limp-wristed fashion doing little to help his team “earn” the World Series title that should have rightfully been handed to them once the Red Sox were eliminated from post-season play. J’accuse, A-Rod!

Execution is too good for this dandy-pants Lidle-killer – but in all practicality the most severe sentence A-Rod could expect is manslaughter. Murder implies malice aforethought, and thought is clearly something this poor excuse for Aaron Boone is incapable of producing. We can’t even hang him for aggravated manslaughter, since the term “aggravated” requires the perpetrator to have used a weapon in the killing. Had A-Rod actually used the blunt instrument he gets paid to use properly instead of blithely carrying it around like a Broadway prancy-boy’s dancing cane, Lidle wouldn’t be dead.

Thus we’ll all have to settle for A-Rod going uptown on a simple manslaughter charge. Perhaps he can actually hit the .450 for the next five to ten seasons in the New York Penal League that he’s been getting paid to hit for the Yankees… that murderous cocksucker!