Browns Claim Moral Loss In Win Over Raiders

By Espen Jockovitch

Yesterday afternoon the Cleveland Browns posted their first victory of the 2006 season in Oakland against the Raiders, but there was very little celebrating in the visiting locker room. “We should have pasted those shitlumps,” lamented Offensive Coordinator Maurice Carthon, expressing displeasure in the margin and nature of the Browns scant 24-21 comeback victory. Quarterback Charlie Frye echoed his OC’s sentiment. “It’s good to know that we *can* come back like that,” reasoned Frye referring to erasing a 21-3 second-quarter deficit, “but it would be better if we could have done it against a real NFL team.”

Last week’s last second 15-14 loss to the undefeated Baltimore Ravens lent Browns players and fans as much heart as an 0-3 team could rationally expect to have, but this week’s barely-adequate performance seems to have squandered all the moral capital gained against their tough division rival. “We hold Baltimore to 15, then… Jesus… I can’t…” stammered a shellshocked defensive coordinator Todd Grantham. “Twenty one in the first half? To the goddamned RAIDERS? They had six friggin’ points in the whole season until then! I’m glad we got it back together in the second half, but Granny-fuck-a-monkey that sucks!”

The Browns face a resurgent Panthers team next Sunday in Carolina. When asked what to expect from his team next week, running back Reuben Droughns waxed philosphical. "We'll give what we can give. We have to put this embarrassing win behind us and play like the team that lost by one to Baltimore. If the whole team plays together at its highest possible level and the Panthers all forget their cups and knee themselves in their nutsacks during pre-game warmups, I like our chances to at least cover the spread."