Live from the Bimbolympic Pentathlon

By Lars Eisenberg and Espen Jockovitch

Welcome to beautiful downtown Los Angeles for complete coverage of the signature event of the 2006 Bimbolympics, the Pentathlon. I am your host, Lars Eisenberg, and I will do the play-by play while my partner Espen Jockovitch will cover the color commentary.

Holla ballah ballooo, Lars!

What the fuck was that, Espen?

Still working on the catchphrase, Bergie…

And you plenty of work to go, Jocko… just like these Entertainment A-Listers have a long night ahead of them. It looks like they’re ready to get started, so let’s go to the action!

BERATING

Before these ladies get into the grueling physical competition, they get to warm up by verbally sparring with bouncers and admittance staff of all the hot LA nightclubs.

It’s like Bitch Calisthenics, eh Lars?

Indeed, but this event counts greatly in the final standings – and to what should be nobody’s surprise Tara Reid is building up a huge lead in the Berating event.

Her “Don’t You Know Who The Fuck I Am” verbal assault is like the Randy Johnson fastball of the late 90’s, Lars – you know it’s coming, you know it’ll make you look stupid, but you also know you can’t do anything but take it.

Yikes! Reid won this competition running away. In a distant second is J.Lo, who I didn’t even know was in this year’s event.

She’s not, Lars, but not every golfer plans to play in the US Open, either. Most are just in it for the love of the game, and that’s how Ms. Lopez feels about putting the hired help in its place.

BOOZE

Now that all our Bimbolympians in the club, the real competition begins. For the next two hours, our competitors will be drinking and dancing both against the clock and against each other.

Man… I hope they dance against each other… Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson grinding them fine hineys all over each other…hominahominahomina

I meant in competiton, Espen. Why don’t you ice down by telling the audience all the elements of this event?

[cough] You got it, Bergie! The Booze competition will test our starlets’ skills in all elements of bar and nightclub athleticism. The compulsory Pint Chug is a timed event, which will determine the order of the shots competition – figuratively and literally, as the winner names the first three drinks. From there, our glamour gals will hit the dance floor, coming back to the bar at the end of every song to down another drink for the next two hours.

And they’re off!

Holy shit, Spears, did they even fill your mug? That was drained WAY too quickly!

The judges confirm it was a full pint, so Spears calls the shots and she calls Jagermeister.

Britney’s Gulf Coast roots are showing – she’s looking to put her underweight competition away as quickly as possible by ordering everybody to down three shots of The Devil’s Sack Sweat.

The shots are down, and now it’s off to the dance floor.

Spears and Simpson should dominate this competiton, Lars. Getting fucked up and dancing is these girls’ bread and butter.

I’m pretty sure they’re sober in the videos and interviews, Espen… these women are just phenomenally stupid.

Wow. Better yet. At least they don’t have to sing tonight!

Amen, Brother Jockovitch, especially with Paris Hilton in the house. Although Lohan and Reid drank like the professionals they are, the Florida Floozies completely owned the dance floor with Spears and Simpson taking first and second in the Booze competition, but Tara Reid maintains her overall lead.

After that much hardcore drinking and dancing, I’d be shuttling my ass over to Denny’s to get the feedbag on… but no such luck for these ladies.

They’re professionally trained partathletes, Jocko. No Moon Over MyHammy for these elites – it’s time for the third event…

COKE

And off the powder room they go.

Literally, as in each toilet stall the seat is covered in a ten-gram mound of high-grade cocaine.

This event will require speed, skill and composure as our competitors must chop down their mound into ten one-gram lines, snort them, wipe the extra powder off their faces and stop gnashing their teeth like retarded hamsters all in the amount of time it takes the average person to use the restroom.

Looks like our last event is taking it’s toll. Simpson looks a little green…oh, boy… TIMBER!

Jessica Simpson has passed out, which shakes up the leaderboard quite a bit. You have to complete all five events to win, and Simpson just doesn’t have the goods tonight.

Pretty typical of those Florida girls, Lars – going hard early, then flaming out before the real fun begins. Spears looks a bit wobbly, too. Maybe Uncle Charlie can put some starch back in her arch.

I have no clue what that meant, Espen… but Whoa! Hold on! Lindsay Lohan plowed throw that mountain of blow and emerges from the restroom looking better than ever!

It’s usually in these middle events that Lohan hits her stride, but tonight she’s in top form.

Hilton finished second and Tara Reid emerges third. What happened in there – especially with Britney Spears?

Well, Lars, Reid decided to snort up Jessica Simpson’s share of coke as well as her own which is why she fell behind. Britney is so pissed and off her game that when she saw powder, she started looking for diapers. She’ll be in the crapper screaming “Sean! Where are you?” until she passes out in about ten minutes.

Sounds like Britney is out of the running, so we have three competitors left going into Event four:

WANTON SEX

This is the event for which everybody has been waiting…

Damn right, Eiser!

Put your dick away, Jockovitch – you aren’t playing. In the interest of decorum, this event will not be described, but it will be filmed for the sake of official scoring.

They’re officially scoring, all right. Hell, Yeah! Go Paris! Go Paris!

Espen, I’m telling you if you don’t get your hands out of your junk drawer, I’ll make you listen to Hilton’s CD twenty times in a row. And no more lame sex-puns! Tell the people what our competitors will be doing to maximize points, you sorry spankhound.

[Ahem – ZIP!] Thank you, Lars. Scoring in the Wanton Sex competition is based of the number and variety of partners these ladies work over in the next hour. Creativity will be considered, as will kink.

And it’s going true to form so far. Lohan heads straight for the ‘80’s action heroes, Hilton makes a beeline for the pampered heir section of the club, and Tara Reid is…

Showing her ass to the DJ, Lars. This is a new strategy for her, and I can’t see how it could be a winning one.

Indeed. This DJ is a professional – he is dedicated to keeping the club’s flow on. Perhaps Reid figures that this fact will increase the DJ’s point factor.

Well, that and he’s famously gay. Tara Reid won’t be winning this Pentathlon, Lars.

She had a promising start, but made a series of bad decisions and simply won’t be going anywhere any time soon.

I thought we were supposed to talk about the Pentathlon, not her career!

Anyway, the Wanton Sex event is over, so it’s off to the limos in order to prepare for our final event:

DENIAL

And here our competitors commune with their image consultant and hand the baton off to their spokespeople.

It looks like Lohan’s people will be the first out of the gate, Lars. They’ve had a lot of practice in this field recently, so I expect some real fireworks from her crew.

Oh, no. I can’t believe what I’m hearing, Espen…

Exhaustion and stress from a busy schedule? Who the hell does that little whore think she’s kidding? We’ve got the whole thing on tape! Unbelieveable. Lohan really does love the ‘80’s. Not only does she lust after its film heroes, she borrows its stars excuses for getting tossed into detox. This is classic Mariah Carey / Whitney Houston old school denial.

And nobody bought it then, either. Let’s see what Hilton’s got…

Yes! An unbelievable display of hubris, self-delusion and out-and-out bullshit! She said she’s only had sex with two people in her life – we’ve got her on film with at least three!

Indeed! Combine her steady, consistently professional performance with the shot glass and snorting straw with the way she handles people…

And their gonads…

both at the rope line and in the grotto, Paris Hilton is indeed a champion Bimbolympic Pentathlete. She has earned the gold here tonight. Lohan’s spirit and energy was an asset early in the competition, but inexperience in the ways of spin is eventually what did her in. Youth can be a blessing or a curse when you play in the Big Leagues – perhaps Lindsay’s will eventually develop the quality endgame that makes the champion partier.

Whoa! Did you hear that? Hilton just said she’s taking a year away from dating! Lars, she’s just running up the score on Lohan with this crock.

From Los Angeles, I’m Lars Eisenberg…

And I’m Espen Jockovitch…

Wishing you good night and good times.

Walla balla holla, Dawgs!

That sucked too. Just stop it, Jocks.