Today In Sports

By Espen Jockovitch

Notre Dame! Notre Dame! What an incredible college football powerhouse! The Irish displayed their awe-inspiring never-say-die excellence in execution once again by sacking up and gritting out a two-score comeback with only 35 minutes left in the game against a highly-unheralded and unranked Georgia Tech team last night, ultimately winning 14-10. Boo-YAHH Green and Gold! Can I get a witness?

Is it possible to rank a team higher that #1, because these studs deserve it. They played Georgia Tech – a team with uniforms similarly hued to theirs – that had to be confusing! It was a night game, proving that as long as their opponent isn’t very good, the Domers can win anywhere at any time! Brady Quinn for Heismann! Brady Quinn for Heismann! Testify!

In other football news, Terrell Owens took a shit this afternoon at 3:17pm. In a clear overture of reconciliation and team unity, he did not wipe his ass with a non-TO-centric page of the Cowboys playbook this time. We checked.

Baseball’s pennant races are all in a jumble, as the Boston Red Sox stumbled through August losing 20 games. Sox brass and baseball experts alike are at a loss to explain how the BoSox could lose 20 games in a month in which they only played the Yankees five times. Our assessment – Yanks / Sox games count as much as four non-Yanks / Sox games – as they damned well should. Yanks and Sox... Holla!

The Sox collapse bears the question: Who will the Yanks play in the playoffs if the Sox aren’t there? Will Major League Baseball allow minor league squads like Anaheim and Chicago play for the pennant now? That would be a travesty and an insult to all baseball purists everywhere.

In other sports: Tigertigertigertigertiger WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOds. Maria Sharapova is hot, so she can’t be a good tennis player. Kobe Shaq LeBron and Melo.

That is all the sports news anybody should care about, and I disagree with the washed-up jock / bitter wanna-be jock sportswriter to my immediate right. Peace out.