Rules of the Bar – TGI Bennibee’s

By Jonathan Ray Keller

Hello, fellow tipplers! Those of you who know me are aware that I have made it my life’s mission to put the social back in social drinking. I often pursue this goal by posting up a spot at the bar for hours of pleasant martini consumption on the tavern side of those chain restaurant/bars during the dining crush. Doing so is a great way to make new friends, meet people from many different walks of life, and exhibit proper drinking techniques to the next generation of aspiring boozehounds. However, there are unwritten rules of proper conduct for this setting – unwritten until now.

(1) Don’t get blasted. Getting stumblingly hammered before the dessert menu makes its way around the dining area sends the wrong message – the message the Probies (neo-Prohibitionists) want everyone to receive – that any amount of alcohol instantly converts one from a respectable member of civil society to Otis from Mayberry.

Let’s face facts – the TGI Bennibee’s Happy Hour crew is the Champions Circuit of the Professional Souses Association – we are highly skilled artisans, but our drinking is more for exhibition than competition. If you can’t drink without getting loud, unbalanced or overamorous, find another bar – there are plenty out there for you. Little Jimmy doesn’t need to witness your drunk ass tripping over his little sister’s diaper bag and puking on his chicken fingers in an attempt to make a pass at his unsuspecting mother at 7:30 PM on a Thursday… and no I don’t care how MILFalicious she is.

(2) Any conversation begun within earshot of a tap is open to the public. We sit at the bar in order to get our drinks quicker, which means we’ve all got issues we’d like to air out. Thus, the more input the better. The Happy Hour crew is an inclusive, friendly, helpful, advice-laden society… and we’re drinking, so we WILL “help”. If you want to keep your conversation private, there is an entire section with booths on the other side of the wall.

(3) To militant non-smokers: If the bar is a smoking section and the dinner area is non-smoking, don’t complain about the smoke level of the bar area. If you adhere to this simple common-sense rule, I promise never to walk into your bathroom while you’re on the can and moan about the area smelling like a fetid-cheese-coated groundhog crawled up your ass before humping a rotten egg and dying.

(4) Only address staff when they’re behind the bar. Thus the origin of the term “bar-tender” – a person who *tends* to the *bar*. If you are at the bar, the bartender will tend to you. Leave the cocktailers and servers to take care of their tables and earn tips. Note: Once a uniformed staff member steps behind the bar, however, he or she is fair game regardless of his or her designated role. They’re literally standing between you and booze – if they don’t want to serve it to you, they are just asking for the consequences.

(5) The bar area is intended for adults. TGI Bennibee's is indeed a family restaurant. However, your 12-year-old has no business occupying a stool at a bar since it only legally serves product to (thus makes money from) those over the age of 21. Therefore it would behoove you as a parent to keep the young'uns out of what a rational, thinking person would consider an adults-only area. Keep in mind that if Little Billy were to overhear one of our less crowd-sensitive crew members calling the Yankees pitcher a goat-buggering chodesucker then ask us what those new words mean, we'll tell him. We're all about enlightenment. Knowledge requires no ID.

These are the five main universal rules – each TGI Bennibee’s bar area and bartender has unique curiosities to mind as well, I’m sure. Important note: After 10:30pm, these rules go right out the window - TGI Bennibee's is all bar at that point. If Suzie Soccermom waits that long to take the kids out for a Super Blazin’ Jack Sauce Cheesearito O’Flannery, it’s her own damned fault Junior and Sissy get their virgin eyes and ears defiled... and that goes double if Mommy’s MILFalicious!