I Would Die 4 U

By Sperman

So close and yet so far away…

Superman has The Life, you know? All those neat powers, any chick he could ask for, the adulation of all the children of Metropolis… who could ask for more? From what I’ve seen of him at the Superhero Company Picnic, he’s a genuinely nice guy, too - as long as you can resist pulling the “pickle relish / kryptonite” gag on him. (Green Lantern *still* walks with a limp from that one!) To think, I’m just one letter 'u' from being him…

I don’t mean to complain – I’m still a superhero. Actually, I’ve done more films than Clark, and I have quite a few fans of my own… although I’m not sure I’d want to shake their hands without a napkin and some Purell nearby, if you know what I’m saying. I’ve got my share of unique superpowers too, but they’re all pretty… umm… industry-specific and none of them can be done with pants on. That pretty much quashes the children’s book market – Little Billy can marvel at pictures of Superman stopping bullets with chest, but he’s just not ready to witness the awesome might that is my Jizz Laser.

There are worse jobs out there than being Sperman – for a while in the 1980’s, before I harnessed the power of my Copious Crotch Cannon to be used for the Forces of Good, I did some office temping – so I would know. No complaints. If I only had that extra ‘u’ however, I could be the inspiration for all generations of children to fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way instead of The Guy Ron Jeremy Calls ‘Obi-Wan’.