Open Letter To Al Gore

by Ron R. Clark

Thank you for all your myraid efforts at exposing global warming as a scientific reality being further exacerbated by human activity. Your research has been tireless, your scientific evidence unreproachable, and your film presentation compelling. On behalf of everyone in the Midwest, I salute you - but for the next few days, blow it out your ass because we're cranking the A/C.

Currently, I sit in Columbus, Ohio where the temperature is expected to reach 97 and thanks to the humidity the heat index will top 105. To put that in perspective, the heat index of Satan's fetid crotch after a 2-mile jog is 108. If I spend five minutes outside, I feel like the lettuce on a Big Mac and smell like Jacksonville's thongderpants. It is purely out of respect for my friends and their neighbors that I don't air out The Boys as I type. Our air conditioning will blast to make every room I plan to step in over the next week 75 degrees - pollution be damned!

Polar bears? Penguins? They can swim a for a few days - I looked it up - and from those specials I see on Animal Planet, they could use the exercise anyway. Screw them. Screw the cute fuzzy-wuzzy advertising icons that would sooner eat me than offer me a Coke if we were to meet face-to-face; my balls are sweating, and balls shouldn't sweat if you're sitting still - end of discussion. Too bad, Chilly Willy - put on your lifejacket and prepare to tread water - I'm sweating in places that don't have sweat glands!

I'll care about global warming on Friday when we're back in the 70's and 80's. I'll campaign for greener energy and clean, renewable fuel sources once I can take in a breath without my lungs whining that lame "Hey, we aren't gills!" refrain. The most Inconvenient Truth right now is that if I don't shower four or five times a day, I smell like an oil-and-vinegar-dressed turdhole salad, and that can only be addressed aptly by fossil-fueled air conditioners.