Hollywood Beatdown

by Lars Eisenberg

Cruise / Holmes – What’s Next?

Here’s the deal: Nobody except for fellow Heaven’s Gat… er… Scientologist A-listers have seen the new daughter Suri, and nothing has come from Katie Holmes *except* Suri since ‘Batman Begins’. Katie’s dad (who happens to be a lawyer) frickin’ hates Cruise, and Cruise himself isn’t nearly as infatuated with Ms. Holmes as he was in couch-jumping glory days of last May. Since Tom got what he wanted from Ms. Holmes – a gurgling, diaper-filling beard to Scientologize from birth - I'm sensing it’s nearing time for him to move on.

So… who’s next on the Cruise registry? Well, let’s look at his romantic progression.

1) Mimi Rogers: Not the prettiest face in Hollywood, but her physique? Ya-HAA! You can tell she’s a woman from three blocks away!

2) Nicole Kidman: Pretty face, unquestionably feminine, but she’s taller and leaner, thus diluting the feminine effect... unless she’s wearing something form fitting like a lycra body suit or Spandex swimwear... [drool]... You get the idea, though.

3) Katie Holmes: Unsettlingly pretty face, but her female features aren’t particularly prominent (all right – she’s titless! There. I said it. I’m a pig.)

Following this pattern of increasingly pretty faces with decreasingly feminine bodies, the most logical place for Mr. Cruise to go next is...

Matthew McConnaughey.

PS: I say make it happen, gentlemen – neither of you will be truly happy until you admit the truth.