How To Dodge A Ticket in Texas

By Ron R. Clark

I’ve been thinking about the Andrea Yates verdict in Texas. Ms. Yates murdered her five children in order for them to get into Heaven after consulting her local pastor on how to keep them pure in the eyes of their God. In a jury trial, citizens found her not guilty by reason of insanity.

Let’s break this down: A woman killed her own five children due to her interpretation of her pastor’s interpretation of a millennia-dead writer’s interpretation of the word of their God. A jury of twelve citizens technically representing a cross-section of Texan society accede that Ms. Yates murdered her children, but absolved her of responsibility due to insanity.

The crime, its commission, and its committer are all legally established as fact – the deciding factor of her guilt or innocence falls thus to her reasons. She claims religion; the people of Texas say insanity. Therefore, in Texas, religion legally constitutes insanity.

To all my Texan friends I say use this powerful finding to your advantage. Busted for speeding? Tell them you’re late for church and wish not to be struck down at the Final Judgment because of tardiness. With Texas v. Yates in mind, the officer should let you go immediately. If not, you’ll have to force a jury trial - I recommend bludgeoning the officer into a befuddled huddling puddle with your handy Family Bible (a hardcover large-print edition would work the best, and it fits easily between the captain’s chair seats of most American SUV’s).

At the trial, weep about the eternal damnation you will now suffer due in whole to the donut-devouring demon at the prosecutor’s table. On cross-examination, leap out of the witness box, charge the officer and grind the crucifix on your necklace into her forehead and report your righteous sighting of the flames of Satan’s infernal hellfire in her eyes. Really camp it up! In accordance with Texas v. Yates, the jury will have to find you too religious for good society, give you a few months off in a clean drug-dispensing hospital, and then release you as a newly-stable Oprah-ready hero of the common man.

Your book-deal offers will make Ann Coulter look like Saddam Hussein (whoops - bad analogy). Oxygen, Lifetime and CBN will draw blood competing for the TV-movie rights to your story. Your new criminal record be damned – once you sign on all those dotted lines, you’ll be set for life. All it takes is a little religious fervor, a sturdy Bible and twelve Texans who don’t read newspapers - how hard is THAT? Say, if you'll excuse me, I've got a 100 mph date in Houston, and I'm running at tad late. Oh gimme that Old Time Religion, gimme that Old Time Religion...