I Smell A Trend!

By Dooger Reynolds, Xtreem Marketer

I got it! Yeah! Wooo! Boo-yahh! Check THIS out, Marketing MadDawgz!

For the last twenty years, we’ve been telling young people that mutilating your face is sickest, kickest way to express yourself, right? We started with them off on multiple ear piercings, then nose piercings, then tongues – and after they went to eyebrows, septums and cheekbones, we started on lip tats.

Oooh yeah! “Permanent makeup” – heh heh, that was MY tag [Self high-five] – and the kids just jumped off from there by doing eyelids and tongues, and using all kinds of wacked-out colors and styles. A whole segment of society knocking each other over to pay us phat coin to make them look like smack-addicted circus freaks… Hell yeah! Who’s Da Man?

Then 2004 rolls around and the tidal wave of kizzash dies down to a gentle lap against the beach. The damned Ashlee Simpson effect took hold – anything that untalented skank does to herself to try to look edgy or hip turns into the kryptonite of cool. Bad news for the bank accounts of hair bleachers and titty-bag makers, but I’ve got the cure for all those hurting nose doctors out there.

Woo-hoo! Hell yeah… this is good!

The only as yet unmutliated part of the face is the tip of the nose, right? I mean, people get them worked on, but they only try to make the damned thing look like a cuter nose. That’s not extreme. What I’ve got it XTREEEEM, Dawgs! Check it – Screw-on Nasal Attachment Port - SNAP!

God Damn I’m good! Dig this – a doctor shapes the tip of a kid’s nose kind of like the top of a soda bottle, and we make attachments that screw onto the ridges. Start out with a standard SNAP-ons - glow sticks, gold and platinum charms, and the standard Things Left Over in the Warehouse of Fads That Didn’t Take Off which can be retrofit with a screw tip – but then the craze expands. How about a Swiss Army Knose? It’s just like the regular knife with all the attachments and shit, but it also features little fold-out spoons that go right under the nostrils - like a NASCAR Beer Hat, but for coke! Wooo! Yeah! Dooger be yo’ daddy! Dooger be yo’ daddy!

What, Jenkins? How do we get kids to think SNAPs are cool? Jesus, Jenkins – were you THAT hung over during Marketing 101? One: Hire skinny chicks with big tits and skinny guys with good hair who look like chicks. Two: Get them to dance around in the backgrounds of videos and movie club scenes. Three: Make it obvious that they’re going to get laid at a rate that makes non-SNAPpers load their Levis with steaming piles of envy. Duhh! One of you dawgs kick Jenkins in the nuts for asking such a dumbass question – my shoes are too pretty to touch taint today!