Land of Opportunity My Woolly Ass

by Tony the Wonder Llama

Hollywood... bunch of closed-minded bigots. That is the only reason somebody with my resume wouldn't be able to get a director's job - not even in porno.

I came in at the last minute after two entire production teams got sacked and single-hoovedly saved what has become arguably the most watched, quoted and globally loved film ever produced. Without my dedication, vision and ability to tow heavy film cameras up steep mountain slopes, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" would have circled the flushhole of history. Thanks to me, every single day people of all ages still giddily shout lines like "I'm not quite dead!" and "Look at the bones!" nearly thirty years later.

Every Hollywood mover and shaker knows my name - I had the credit backgrounds flash in four alternating colors, for crying out loud - but my phone never rings. I had a vision for 'Dune'. My version of 'Cutthroat Island' would have been a pirate epic rivalled only by the new Johnny Depp series. I could have saved 'Gigli', dammit - but no one returns my calls.

Every once in a while I'll get through to some studio lackey, but all they ever say is stuff like "I'm sorry, sir – I don’t understand you,” or “...and when you say ‘hrrnt hrrnt WHEEEK!’ you mean...” The Pythons didn’t have any trouble following my directions! Sure, you can say that an eccentric band of famously intoxicated Brits from the 1970’s may have been the only players in the entertainment biz who could ever commune with a llama, but you can’t make me believe you. It still reeks of anti-Andean-ruminant bigotry to me.