Me Brother's A Poof

by Crunchbeard the Pirate (retired)

Avast! I can barely stand to watch me cartoon shows these days. Come commercials, me mincin' brother be prancin' about the screen, wearin' that femmy cruise director uniform and yammerin' on about a good breakfast like Barney Bleedin' Fife on nitrous. Yarrr - pillaged kipper and grog is a strappin' morning meal for any real man!

Why do they let me poofy brother be around those children anyway? Cap'n Crunch me eyepatch - the last fairy I seen frolickin' about kids dressed in a uniform like that were Captain EO! Me brother knows as much about real sailin' as I do about Japanese napkin foldin'.

I took him on me ship once many long years ago 'cause he said he wanted to make a man of himself. By Day Three, it took a keel-haulin' to take that man out of himself... arrr, the ribbin' I took from me cap'n that day still makes me good eye wince. Every time some mangy cur squeals "Oooh! Crunchatize me, Cap'n!" in them commercials, me timbers shiver and I often find meself swabbin' the retirement home deck out o' habit.

"Bonnie Steven" Crunch they called him. For the life of me, I don't know what he thought piratin' was all about, 'cept for maybe those dancin' Penzance ankle-grabbers. All he ended up doin' was gettin a jolly rodgerin' and workin' the plank - and he even got the verbs wrong! Arrrrgh!

Nearly scuppered my career he did. He seems to be doin' OK for himself - long as he keeps his dandy hide on HIS side of the ocean. I've pillaged plenty o' booty in my day, but put Bonnie Steven in a disco with a daquiri or two and he'll make me look downright lubberly.