How Could They Have Known?

By Abdel bin Palwa al-Dallasi - Leader, al-Qaeda In Texas

Imam bin Laden, Master al-Zawahiri, I bear most unfortunate tidings. Somehow, investigators in league with The Great Satan have uncovered and quashed your most brilliant and impactful plan to date – to blow up Michigan’s Mackinac bridge with 1000 cell phones.

Although our operatives failed, the idea to choose Texan jihadis for a Michigan operation rather than any of the quarter million Muslims in the Dearborn – Detroit area must have been inspired by Allah himself. Although we did not succeed, I consider it an honor to be given this glorious opportunity to strike at the heart of the infidel.

Were the plan to have borne fruit and the Mackinac Bridge be destroyed by 1000 cell phones, the western dogs would have been shaken to the core of their beings by the lack of a bridge connecting the Michigan mitten to the Upper Peninsula! What target could be more devastating to the American psyche than the Mackinac Bridge? Los Angeles? The St. Louis Arch? Fenway Park? Culturally insignificant by comparison!

And the practicality – Praise Allah! Using 1000 cell phones individually set in place by only three martyrs, preprogrammed to simultaneously ring out the Crazy Frog ringtone with such intensity as to strike the structural resonance of the bridge and send it crumbling into the Great Lakes? Explosives indeed are for amateurs – these men are your truest disciples, Imam!

Such devotion to Allah alone should make the heathen devils kneel before us, but the aftereffects of the Mackinac Bridge plot would have indeed leave the spineless Americans cowering before our feet! Once Americans learn that in order to get from St. Ignace to Cheboygan, they would now have to drive through the entire Upper Peninsula, Wisconsin, Illinois, and – Mohammed give me strength – INDIANA, the groundswell of horror throughout the Evil Empire would force Infidel Bush himself to submit to our terms and sign in his own swinely blood!

Alas. this was not to be. Perhaps our Alabaman brethren will succeed with Operation: Mitchell Corn Palace – Allah grant them grace.