Hands Where I Can See Them, Chumley!

By The Letter X

What does an alphabetic character have to do to get some love around here? I have got to be the most used and most versatile letter in the entire Western alphabet, yet when it comes to naming literary or film characters in my "honor", my namesakes are always sinister, freakish, evil, or Vin Diesel. Honestly, I don't think I can do much more for you guys without breaking a leg - which would make me look like that pussy Y, so it just ain't gonna happen.

Even when I'm not being used in words, I'm busting my limbs for the greater good. Do you ever see C marking the spot or F standing for danger? Hell no. That's me, X, making life safer and easier for all you people - and the only person who appreciates it enough to write a song for me is Sherlock Hemlock... a freakin' muppet.

On those too rare occasions in which I actually get normal spelling work, I'm played like the utility infielder of letters. I get paired me up with E in a prefix, put me at the end of a root word in front of a suffix - or if it's French, I just get tacked on the end like an afterthought and never pronounced so much as used as some gay-ass glottal device to make your vowels sound even more nasally pretentious. Every once in a great while I get to lead off and get pronounced. I appreciate those opportunities, but...

How the hell am I pronounced? D has a distinct sound. R has a distinct sound. X? Who friggin' knows. I'm usually a 'ks' sound, but often play as a 'ch' or 'sh' or 'ksh' or 'z' or 's'... and that is just in English. The Spanish call me "sth", the Mexicans "kh", the Chinese "zch", and I already talked about those French ingrates. I don't mean to complain, but it would be nice to have a distinct sound so I know which glove to bring to the lingual ballpark on game day.

And acronyms and symbols involving your buddy X? What? I can think of three: Markings on a flour bag, markings on generic hard liquor containers, and hardcore porno. Flour I'm cool with - it's useful, practical, generally wholesome and held in high regard by all of non-Atkins-dieting society. It's good work and I thank you greatly for it - I just wish I could be associated with it as much as I am with booze and porn. Check it: "WWW" puts you on the Information Superhighway, "XXX" puts you on The Road To Heavington. "AAA" helps a flat tire get jacked up, "XXX" helps a fat frycook jack off. Not the best of company to be associated with, eh?

Whew! I feel much better -I'm glad I got that off my sticks. Now I'll get back to work for you crossing out typos and kicking O's wussy round ass in Tic Tac Toe - all I ask is that you remember me more often while you're sober and have your underpants up.

Thanx!