We’ve bin Laden With Excess Inventory! Everything Must Go!

By Dooger Reynolds – X-Treem Marketer

OK, Marketing Mad Dogs… we all know what next Monday is. Even though it’s the fifth anniversary of the worst day in our nation’s recent history, we can’t get too sentimental. Keeping 9/11 holy would be yielding the day to the terrorists – time to sack up! We’ve got to take September 11th back for Americans in the American Way – by whoring it out to ludicrous sales events!

Come on, Dawgs, this is an easy one. Work the steps with me! Price everything in some form of 9.11. Tag everything for sale using the colors of the Terror Alert System. Set unopened boxes of a hot new product in the aisles and send out stockboys wearing beards and turbans and screaming in Arabic to hack them open with utility knives. Come on, Dudes - if I can get an entire generation of twentysomethings to pay two bucks for a half-can of some bullshit herbal concoction that tastes like a diabetic elk’s piss because they think it’s a healthy and natural alternative to coffee, I can sell this.

We’ll need catchy slogans – verbal hooks that will tie the historic events to historic savings. Lines like “Fly your own 767 of savings into the Twin Towers of high prices and poor customer service!” How about “Our prices are so low that our accountants will want to jump out 86th story windows!”

Who just groaned? Oh, grow a pair, Jenkins - America needs her marketing heroes to step up in 2006 like her shopping heroes did in 2001. Who’s with me? Franklin – you down? The time to heal is now – and healing begins with selling shit! Phillips - no? Well, screw you pussies! I’m taking full credit for this one. When Bush awards the Medal of Freedom for this campaign, I’ll be the only Mad Dawg standing on the podium… so guess who’ll be pissing on all your dainty little heads!