Ask FratRat Mike: “Do You Think She’s Pretty?”

Dear Uncle Scooter,

You’re asking an old guy about young studs? What kind of dumbass idea is that? Young Stud FratRat Mike at your service, Sweet Thing! My service isn’t free like the Fossil’s - but trust me, you’ll like the price. *All* the ladies like my “price”, Baby!

Last night at the restaurant, I noticed my boyfriend looking at another girl as she walked by. I asked him if he thought she was pretty and he said Yes. Should I worry that he might be cheating on me?...

Sweet Jesus – for his sake I hope so! If I take out a chick and she says anything like that, my wood shrimps like the Wicked Witch of the West in a Jacuzzi. Christ! I thought you liked dating *straight* guys! Straight guys look at hot babes - done. Get the fuck over yourself.

You’re both sitting, so Ya’ Boy is looking right at your face. I don’t care how pretty your face is - a pretty face will lose the eyeball battle to a sweet-walking ass or a great jiggling rack every damned time on a straight man. Eyes don’t care about “commitment” – looking is all the sex they get.

… and whenever I look at a cute guy, he never asks me anything like that. Doesn’t he care about our relationship?
Love, Sheri

Oh, trust me, I will “Love Sheri,” but we’ll get to that later.

Relationship? What the hell are you talking about? I’m 22, so I know my shit – and I’ll lay it down for you right here. Ya' Boy ain’t about a “relationship” – at least by your definition. If he’s the same age as you, the last thing he wants is some insecure life-draining harpy keeping him away from the bangin’ parties with his bro’s and trading Jaeger bombs with the dancers at titty bars so he can play pink-lace kissyface with some self-absorbed wannabe princess every damned night, coming home to face his bro's blueballin' like Papa Smurf in a porno nine times out of ten. The “relationship” thing ain’t gonna happen with this dude – or any dude whose hand you hold, lips you kiss, or dong you swallow until you stop dotting your I’s with those little fuckin’ hearts. Grow up and you’ve got a chance – either that or put out.

Audi!