Open Letter to the Non-Voting Public

By Ron R. Clark

Vote, dammit!

Ah-ah… Nope… not listening… no excuses… just vote.

If you, the free-thinking, nonpartisan, independent adult do not vote, your city, state and country will not be worth living in. Why, you may ask? Because narrow-minded, single-issue, stick-up-their-ass oblivious hypocrites DO vote. They vote by the Mom’s-taxi-minivanloads, senior-center-busloads, and bible-thumper-church-vanloads. And they vote for stuff that sucks.

Shut up… I’m not done… and yes, voting does affect you directly. As an example: I’m registered to vote in Ohio, where four state issues are on the ballot. One asks to increase the minimum wage – you can’t get much more direct than your own paycheck, can you? – one will allow slot machines and casino gambling within the state, and two are about smoking in bars, one allows and one prohibits. These are all things upon which any thinking person would have an opinion – and for which non-thinking flesh-robots are very easily programmed with a simple “yes” or “no” by their on-air personality cult leaders and self-loathing gay-tweaker mega-church pastors.

The latter will vote. They like standing in lines, filling in circles or pressing the pretty buttons – plus they get stickers! Yay! – then reporting back to their leaders (often vicariously through smug and righteous indignation toward everyone they encounter for the rest of the week) about how they voted all goodly. These people suck. But since they vote, these people run the show – unless free-thinkers also vote and resist the aforementioned suckocracy.

“But Ron, voting is SUCH a hassle.” Oh, DO stuff that whine up your own shitpipe, you lazy mewling putz. Granted, when you vote you may have to wait in a long, slow line and choose among unappetizing options through a machine that often screws up, and sometimes you end up getting some doughy lump of grease you didn’t ask for. Guess what, Sparky: that's the same exact process as getting your lunch from the McDonald’s Drive Thru - plus election workers don’t drop or fuck up your change because voting is free. Take a Snickers bar to snack on, your iPod so you can pretend you’re listening to LiteMix 97.8 in your car and goddamned VOTE already!

Rah bah bah - I don’t want to friggin’ hear your opinions. The government, however, is begging to hear your opinions. If enough people share your opinion and tell it to the government by voting, the government will actually do something about your opinion. Yes, acting on your opinions - what a nice change of pace that would be!

In conclusion: You know that uptight soccer-mom two doors down who hasn’t had a righteous shag since the Clinton Administration or taken a shit since 9-11? The one who drives a 12 MPG SUV in the well-paved suburbs but obliviously yet openly wonders why gas costs so much? The one who rails endlessly about the evils of homosexuality, then writes checks to a guy who snorts crushed crank off a twink tweaker trick's taint because “he’s such a righteous man”? She voted. If you don’t vote, that stupid bitch wins.