Happy Drinksgiving!

By Jonathan Ray Keller

Hooray! The holidays are upon us! Undeniably this is my favorite time of the year: everyone seems lighter and more amiable by a measure (outside of the shopping centers, at least); lights and decorations are strung throughout the cities and suburbs to relieve us the bleakness of leafless trees; the toss-away comment “Happy Holidays!” is a reflexive and patently inawkward salutation to everyone you meet regardless of the situation; and most importantly free booze flows like Niagara Falls from the tabs of corporations, institutions and better-off regulars in nearly every bar.

For those of you without your Professional Drinkers’ Association Champions Tour Cards, it is this time every year when some worry that you may enjoy the frequent tippling a bit too much. Some of the more uptight or naïve holiday revelers among us might even be asking if they are becoming alcoholics. Below I shall address your concerns from the viewpoint of a wizened and professional tippler in an effort to set your mind at ease and allow you to accept the season’s liquid largesse graciously and copiously.

First, allow me to cite Johnny’s Razor: If you never pay for alcohol, you aren’t an alcoholic. This will clear about 80% of the curious. Alcoholism is a raging compulsion which doesn’t really care about the condition of your wallet. Lay partygoers and those of us who proudly call ourselves drunks are fully capable of finding ourselves suddenly tired and “maybe needing to sit one out” once the company party shuts off open bar or Larry the Rich Regular calls in his tab.

It is entirely possible however that you may consider joining the ranks of the aforementioned Drunks. There is a distinct difference between the two:

Primarily, alcoholics are incapable of stopping themselves. Job, family or cirrhosis be damned – once the liquor lands upon the lips of the alcoholic, he or she has just bought a one-way ticket on the Blotto Express – Destination: Blackout Junction. Drunks know their limitations, partake of the grape and grains only during free time, and know when they should stop. We may not always stop when we know we should, but you can’t tell me you’ve never run a red light when the traffic flow felt just right.

Further, those oft referred to as hyphenated drunks are truly alcoholics. This is part of the insipid Probey strategy to demonize true drunks, those who can enjoy liquor and still fully function in proper society. Mean-drunks, angry-drunks, fighting-drunks, slut-drunks, whore-drunks, puke-drunks and the like are nearly always alcoholics. If one knows they consistently transform into a detestable wretch by drinking and do it anyway, the greater society of True Drunks makes no time for them.

Alcoholics are pathetic and miserable, slaves to the drink and ashamed of their bondage. Drunks are fun-loving and rakish, always glad to join in knowing full well that they may not know where they'll end up. A drunk accepts that risk, knowing that risk is integral to a full life experience.

Alcoholics live in black and white - they must be either drunk or sober. Drunks live much of their fun time in that adventurous gray area. For example, I spend a large percentage of my allotted leisure time around the cigarette-ash area, on occasion going full charcoal.

Alcoholics view the journey to intoxication as a business trip, whereas drunks view it as a pleasure cruise.

Alcoholics truly believe they cannot live without the drink. Drunks know we can live without drink, but if booze makes our free time more pleasurable, we can't see the point.

Hopefully this will put the holiday partier’s mind at general ease. If your boss foots the bill, by all means drink your fill! Who knows, I may be there as “Larry the Accounting Intern” until the spirit spigots of open bar are turned off.

Happy Holidays my friends!

(…and don’t be stupid about driving. Cab drivers have families to feed, too.)