Ask Uncle Scooter: Boobs? What?!

By Old Scooter Lowry, Everybody’s Uncle

Dear Uncle Scooter,
My boyfriend broke up with me last week so he could date another girl. Everybody says I’m smarter, prettier, and more fun to be around than her – but she has the breasts of a porn star. If that’s what he wants from a girl, then I guess I should be glad to be rid of him – but I just want to know why guys love boobs so much.
Love, Beckee W. – Seattle

Dear Beckee,

Two big reasons. (Sorry – I couldn’t let that joke go.) Well, there ARE two big reasons, and I’ll get to them shortly.

Sigmund Freud would have posited that the major attraction of breasts to men has to do with the subliminally hard-wired connection between breasts and mother’s milk – the bigger the breasts are, the more likely they are to provide enough milk for survival. Freud also prescribed cocaine and freak-sex as therapeutic tools, so screw Freud. Freud was nuts. Men don’t go to strip clubs for their milk menus.

The real reasons men like big boobs on women are a lot simpler and much less creepy. First, we like nice big, round breastesses for the same reason we like Tiger Woods’s chipshot or the neighbor’s workbench: because we don’t have them. However, if we get to put our arm around a lady with fully loaded front torpedo bays, we get to fool ourselves into thinking we have some control (thus a vicarious form of ownership) over the breasts, their host lady and all their accompanying glory. We’re pigs, Beckee – but for lack of a reproductive alternative, you have to love us.

Second, many men - OK, about 80% of men between 18 and 30 – like to drink themselves rotten on occasion, then try to pick up women. One’s vision (as well as his dating standards) is reduced by a substantial measure while in this state. Large breasts strongly indicate the person his drunken carcass is chatting up is indeed a female, which greatly reduces potential for a Sloshed Sausage Surprise should his slurring seductions produce success.

Similarly, for men at my age who need to wear glasses to see our own faces in the mirror, we like to know the gender of the person addressing us so we respond appropriately. If a lady’s treasure chest is so pronounced that we can tell she’s a woman from three blocks away, we have that much more time to prepare our charming repartee – time which is deeply appreciated at this point in life.

That’s pretty much it, Beckee – I apologize if the demystification leaves you disconcerted. For what it’s worth, it sounds like that what you’ve got enough going on above your neck will in time impress decent men enough that they won’t concern themselves with what’s poking out of your sweater.

Sincerely,
Uncle Scooter