Knicks-Nuggets Brawl: A Modest Proposal

By Espen Jockovitch

First, let me apologize for the lateness in my editorialization upon this significant display of bad behavior by millionaire athletes. I’m Jewish, the wife’s an Episcopalian, and quite honestly I've only had this hour and a half or so after Channukah clean-up and before Christmas set-up to work my day job since the 13th or so. Why, yes… both sets of parents *are* coming in to stay with us for their different Holidays. How could you tell? Thank you in advance for your sympathies.

On the evening of December 16, Mardy Collins of the New York Knicks flagrantly fouled J.R. Smith of the Denver Nuggets with a gangland-style clothesline chokehold around the neck as Smith was flying in for the second of back-to-back acrobatic dunks. At the time, the Nuggets held a 19-point lead with 1:30 to go in the fourth quarter at Madison Square Garden, the Knicks world-famous home court. A full-on bench-clearing streetfight ensued, with fisticuffs spreading into the first few rows of the stands.

Above are the facts. Below is the whining attempt at justification for such street-punk tactics by Knicks players and their coach, who allegedly ordered the melee-instigating hard foul. Nate Robinson, Knicks Guard: “They just wanted to embarrass us.” Isiah Thomas, Knicks Head Coach and Hall-of-Famer from his playing days: “They were having their way with us.”

Three words for those quoted above: Boo. Fucking. Hoo.

Excuse me, Knicks… but you know what might stop people from running up the score on you at your own house? STOP SUCKING! All the Knicks players make the same ridiculous elephant-shitpiles of money as other NBA players. Knicks players have the advantage of instant fame and recognition thanks to the storied franchise for which they play and building in which they suck. How many more special treatments do you whiny putzes need before you sack up and play (or at least take it) like men? For crying out loud, the entire Atlantic Division is waiting for you pathetic golfpencil-peckers to get over yourselves and take charge: at 12-18, the Knicks are only one game out of the division lead. Grow a pair, take your lumps, and move on to the next game!

Further, I may be out of touch, but I thought it was the Coach’s job to help his players learn from their mistakes, not to be the Big Cheese pairing with their whines. This collection of eggshell egos and dormant potential has made so many mistakes over the last couple years that any decent coach should be reviewing his players’ doctoral dissertations on How Not To Lose Like A Group Of City Punks Getting Their Jock Straps Tied Over Their Damned Heads On The Court By A Bunch Of Fair-Playing Suburban Peanut Leaguers by now. Well, Zeke, you really screwed the pooch here. No taking the team out for ice cream after this one: not because they lost - because they didn’t play nice with the other kids.