Pleased To Meet You… Won’t You Guess My Name?

By Jesus H. Christ, Grand Nephew of God

As a way of celebrating my congregations exceeding those of my Uncle in number, I’ve decided to come out and let most of you know more precisely to whom you’re praying. My name is Jesus H. Christ, and I am the premiere salvation lobbyist for Heaven.

My dad James was so proud of his brother Jesus (the walking-on-water, water-into-wine, money-changers-out-of-the-temple Jesus) that he named me after Him. No doubt, the name has served me well – I have yet to hear a hockey fan scream for Herschel J. Christ when his team gives up a short-handed goal – so I decided to make the most of it. As far as your gifts from God go, my name is way up there on the list - letting it go to waste would be an unforgivable sin.

During my time on Earth, I was a successful trial lawyer. Upon my passing, Heaven’s staff heralded my coming with horns and harps in what turned out to be an epic clerical error, but I got to stay thanks to Heaven’s “Our Bad” grandfather (or in my case Grand Uncle) clause.

Ever since, I’ve been working to get as many people into Heaven as possible. Around the time of the Crusades, Christianity was hot and turmoil was rampant. Uncle Jay was overwhelmed to say the least, so I offered my services. That lasted about a week - the regular seven-Earth-spins-on-its-axis type, not the Created-the-heavens-and-the-Earth-in-one-“day” type - when they saw the murderous barbarians that I let in. (They carried Bibles and said they knew Uncle Jay, so I thought they were cool.) Anahita *still* won’t look me in the eye after the “Take off the wings and show us your tits!” incident with the First Crusader’s Battalion back in 1099.

Since my “reassignment”, I’ve gone back to my Earthly strength – finding ambiguities in The Law to argue the cases for less-than-perfect candidates to get into Heaven. Are you a God-fearing every Sunday-and-Wednesday church Baptist with an eye for the sheep? Good news: the Bible says you aren’t to *lie* with the beasts of the field. If you make your man-mutton standing up and don’t conspire with your fleecy paramour to tell mistruths, I can get you in.

That is just one example of my work. I’ll advocate nearly any case* – death penalty advocates and warhawks who beat their chests about their “culture of life”; gay-bashing ministers who secretly love the crank (in more ways than one); those who Love Thy Neighbor if and only if Thy Neighbor is the right race and ethnicity – just keep those tithes a-comin’ and Your Lordin’ Savior™ Jesus H. Christ will keep working for you!

Not a Christian? Not a problem – I have branch offices in most major religions. Depending upon your faith, you can call upon Ollah, Fishnoo, Boodah, or Tom Cruise to justify your violent extremism, raging self-serving hypocrisy, and/or lazy closed-mindedness in the name of The One True Way. Operators are standing by – have your Visa or Mastercard ready.

*I said nearly any case - kid-raping priests need not apply. You rat bastards can go straight to Hell... even lobbyists have standards!