How To Win The War On Terror

By C. Martin Jones, Documentarian

I’ll keep this short… because it really is that simple.

Iraq and Afghanistan are desert wastelands. When the enemy isn’t rambling on and on about his righteous superiority, he works in total silence. The enemy uses roadside improvised explosive devices in attempts to capture and/or destroy our soldiers as they tool down the highways.

Do the math, my friends – we’re fighting Wile E. Coyote. How do you defeat Wile E. Coyote? With Roadrunners.

Flood the entire warzone with Roadrunners – Iraq, Afghanistan, hell throw a few in Iran and Syria just to keep those angry little fuckers occupied! History indicates that the terrorists will leave our trucks alone and concentrate exclusively on those scrawny little birds. The jihadis will be consistently foiled, get frustrated, and devise increasingly complicated tactics, all doomed to fail in comic self-inflicted violence.

Roadrunners. Do it. Osama will be wearing an anvil for a hat inside of four months – I guarantee it. Acme Co., fire up those factories again – we’ve got a war to win!