Open Letter to the City of Boston

By Ron R. Clark

Earlier this week, the city of Boston closed off major roads and bridges in order to clear its infrastructure of what was deemed an imminent terrorist threat – LiteBrite boards sporting the image of Mooninites (cartoon aliens from Aqua Teen Hunger Force that look like 1978’s Space Invaders – CGA-quality square pixels and all) flipping the bird. When Boston Homeland Security got pantsed by the truth about the incident, it filed serious (as in five-years-in-a-Federal-sphincter-waltzing prison) attempted terrorism charges against the perpetrators: a couple of poorly groomed cartoonist’s assistants in their late 20’s. Yeesh – a bit touchy, aren’t we?

Boston, I appreciate that you are the same city that matadored the nineteen 9/11 attackers without so much as a Known-Terrorist-List check blithely through Logan Airport, thus you feel the need to prove your tough-securityness to the rest of the world as a result... but this clearly is not the situation. Take a good hard look at what you’ve got in custody and tone down the bluster. A wild-cherry red convertible 1986 Ford Escort is still an Escort, no matter how much you trick it out, and if you’re paying that 26-year-old hottie riding shotgun, she’s not really your girlfriend. Ease up on the Viagra and Red Bull and accept your bald spots, OK Honey?

Prosecuting this case to the fullest extent of the law will indeed send a message – and that message is “Boston Homeland Security is run by humorless dinks with eggshell egos and no sense of proportion.” Please stop. Admit your mistake. Plead the “offenders” down to a hearty fine and three years probation and we’ll let Boston keep that Lovable Loser tag the rest of the nation has granted it since the dawn of the 20th century. Otherwise, you’re image will morph into New York City’s Retarded Belligerent Cousin Who Dryhumped The Turkey Last Thanksgiving.

Let us look at this situation logically. Not only would terrorists never in a billion years use LiteBrite images of bit players on obscure late-night Adult Swim cartoons as the signature for their dastardly masterworks, but they wouldn't come after Boston in the first place. Your bridges and tunnels collapse and kill citizens all by themselves; Osama is cunning enough to save his C4 for a more stalwart target.

If Boston is striving for the image of a tenacious warrior against terror, I have a suggestion: Go back into the tunnel in which you disabled the Mooninite improvised advertising device and go after the source of the fifteen or twenty gang tags you had to la-de-dah past in order to get to The Real Menace.

Then do something about that shitty combover – your suburbs are getting embarrassed.