Open Letter To American Idol Fans

By Ron R. Clark

First, my point: SHUT THE FUCK UP! It’s just a TV show, for crying out loud! Get over it. Step away from the water cooler / coffee-maker, go back to your cubicle and information-process something.

Now, your lament: It is my understanding that an untalented hairwad named Sanjaya keeps winning despite being outperformed every week by the other contestants. Voters are growing more and more concerned that the most deserving candidate may not win, and the discovery of Internet junta groups like votefortheworst.com incites a visceral impulse in Idol worshippers which cattily dances upon the edge of soul-crushing dread and barbarian outrage.

And finally, the commentary: To be perfectly honest, I stopped caring about American Idol when they got rid of Ed McMahon and dropped the spokesmodel competition, but the awe-inspiring nigh-panic this Sanjaya character has fomented in the American populace at large forces me to address the situation.

What we have here is a perfect display of the primary inherent drawback of pure democracy: that the whole of the population have a say in the outcome – including the angry, naïve, gullible and out-and-out stupid people. On rare occasions, the public at large is deceived into electing a dangerously inapt candidate. Regardless of how quickly or severely the repercussions of their noise-blinded choice sink in, the voters and non-voters have only themselves to blame.

When such an occurrence happens in the world political arena, geopolitical aftershocks reverberate around the globe. In 2002, socialist rabble-rouser Ugo Chavez won the presidency of oil-wealthy Venezuela. Many Latin American countries have since elected populist candidates as leaders over career politicians. In 2006, Palestinians elected Hamas, widely considered a terrorist organization with a political front, over the long-standing Fatah movement. Western countries immediately cut off support to Palestinian government agencies, spawning greater unrest in a region that needed more dischord like John Travolta needs a gift certificate to Krispy Kreme.

On the whole, Venezuela appeared to be quite pleased with its choice, re-electing Chavez in 2006 with 70% of the vote. Now that Ugo has begun centralizing and consolidating power around himself in a quasi-dictatorial fashion, many Chavez supporters are starkly reconsidering. Hamas voters, on the other hand, took all of about three months to regret their decision – that’s the time Western aid money ran out and the people stopped getting paid. Palestinians have since settled upon a joint Hamas-Fatah rule in order to get back in the good graces of their sponsors.

The take-away message: Decisions have consequences. Think when you vote.

As this applies to your dipshit talent show, however, the worst that can happen is a largely valueless pretty-faced Breck girl-boy gets a recording contract. Ooooh, what an earthshaking travesty! Why don’t you make yourselves feel better by listening to your Justin Timberlake mp3s? There, there – isn’t that better? Such a good American consuming public. You’re such a good American consuming public... yes you are!