Over Before It (Officially) Started

By Jacob Bagnanelli, IbK Domestic Political Correspondent

In their effort to maintain electoral relevance, states have been leapfrogging their primaries in front of each other to earlier and earlier dates on the calendar. At one point Michigan eschewed the traditional Tuesday and chose Monday January 7th as their primary date - a technique known in the industry as “The Punk-Ass Price-Is-Right Gambit” - only to see the political calendar’s December 18, 2007 page marked with “Oklahoma, Fools! First!!! Soonerz pwn yr @$$!!” Yesterday, after a seemingly ceaseless stream of similar battles of oneupsmanship, 38 states reached a truce/consensus date of Tuesday, August 14, 2007 upon which to conduct Mega-Super-Suck-On-This-Iowa-Bitches Primarypalooza Tuesday. The results are in - and apparently have been for two weeks – but IbK NewsCorp is proud to be the first to announce that the major parties’ 2008 Presidential candidates will be Democrat Dennis Kucinich and Republican Tom Tancredo.

Both candidates were surprised to learn of their nominations, and are currently scrambling to cobble together acceptance speeches they never expected to write. Election experts attribute the dark horse victories due to astonishingly low turnout. Only early-entry absentee voters, time-travelers, and drunks stumbling into the polling booths looking for a place to piss got their voices heard, but those voices spoke in a wobbly, cracking pre-pubescent chorus of consensus. Kucinich and Tancredo each swept all 38 states in the Mega-Super-Suck-On-This-Iowa-Bitches Primarypalooza Tuesday, except for Montana wherein seven Republican voters handed the state to their written-in champion Scratchy McFester, the Pantsless Rodeo Clown.

Kucinich and Tancredo, now with only each other to contend, are ecstatic that they can at long last focus their campaigns on the issues that matter. Kucinich’s Stop-The-War-Create-A-Department-Of-Peace-Convert-Health-Care-To-A-Single-Payer-System-Mandate-Renewable-Fuel-Usage-And-Get-It-All-Done-By-Friday platform is well on its way to delivery for the consumption of the entire voting populace. Meanwhile, Tancredo’s one-issue anti-immigrant platform just doubled in width with the addition of the “Kucinich? Are You Frickin’ Kidding Me? Just *Look* At The Guy!” plank.

All other Democratic candidates, while thunderstruck, conceded to the will of their constituents and pledged their support to Kucinich. Republican candidates on the whole have shrugged and gone home, with the exception of Mitt Romney. Romney is strongly considering mounting an independent campaign, but hesitant to do so for fear of looking too Liebermanny. Meanwhile, undeclared Republican candidate Fred Thompson breathed a sigh of relief during his official announcement of declination. He thanked his supporters for their efforts and donations and assured them their hard work and currency will be put to good use in keeping his overgrown-troll-doll-looking carcass hip-deep in smoking-hot trophy wives for the next twenty years.