Forgive Them Tom Mees, They Know Not What They Do

By Espen Jockovitch

Dear ESPN,

Eat shit, you clueless pack of pigfuckers!

Sincerely,
Espen Jockovitch

Perhaps I should elucidate.

As I am oft wont to do in the morning, I found myself watching the re-re-re-rebroadcast of SportsCenter while enjoying my cold pizza breakfast. At the end of the hour, I witnessed an event that razed my world view to its very foundations – you interviewed a guy who eats for a living about another guy who eats for a living.

After I picked the snorted mushrooms and sausage out of my nose, I decided to review your general programming through my freshly opened eyes. The crown jewel – what put you on the map – SportsCenter is a hollow caricature of its old self. Now, I’m down with the pseudo-hip lingo spewing during the highlight reels – that’s what hooked me to begin with. Since I’m a 5’ 8” 135 pound cracker-ass from central Iowa, hosting SportsCenter would be the only way I could get away with talking street, and get laid for it without fearing The Retribution Of The Truly Hip. Thus was my dream… until The Interview.

Back to your schedule. SportsCenter is slotted about eight or nine times each and every day. Such would be understandable if (a) six of them weren’t the same damned show over and over and (b) YOU’D REPORT ACTUAL SPORTS NEWS! Between the twenty-three minutes of extreme deodorant commercials, I counted about eight minutes of actual sports reporting with the remainder being puff personality pieces, pointless “expert” analysis, and complete jackoff “what this means” ego-stroking hollabolla padding out the hour like rotten-coochie-smelling oyster meat smothering its pearl.

Back when you started in 1979, many considered the concept of a 24-hour sports channel ludicrous since it was thought there couldn’t possibly be enough sport-based programming to keep you afloat. By 1989, you proved them wrong by introducing such diverse events as college baseball, kickboxing and sumo to American television. Now, however, one look at your current schedule will show that your naysayers may have had a point.

Poker? Poker is a sport in the same way as chess, I guess, but using lying in place of intellect. I’ll almost allow that one. But dominoes? That’s way too much of a push. Car auctions? Fuck you! Isn’t there a pack of really huge guys pushing rocks up a hill somewhere that you can film? Magnus ver Magnusson waves his dick at you, ESPN Programmers, while flicking you away like the picked-and-rolled boogers you are.

Go ahead, ESPN – continue to fellate the Mouse that keeps your nutsacks in its sock drawer. Dedicate more airtime to cross-promotion of other Disney properties than you do to true sports coverage. Insist that a spelling contest has more sports entertainment value than Arena Football or regular season college baseball. Hell, yeah - go extreme - convince yourselves that eating can be a sport… and you can start your gastronomical training on this buttloaf I leave on the front steps of your Bristol headquarters.