Headlines For The Comatose

by Knorr the Interpreter

For those of you who partied WAYYY too hard on New Year's Eve 2006, catch up on all the headlines published in the Mainstream Media for the first half of 2007 right here in this easy-to-swallow articlet. You're welcome... and take it a little easier this coming December, eh?

Bush Administration Official Flouts Constitution, Doesn't Give Carpenter's Damn What Anybody Thinks

Paris Hilton Does Dumb Shit, Breaks Law, Whines About Being Punished

Congressional Democrats Posture, Talk Tough, Draw Line On Hot-Button Issue, Then Bend Over, Take It Like Bitches They Truly Are

Daily Baghdad Car Bomb Kills Between 20 and 200

Ohio Sports Team Has Great Season, Gets Ass Handed To Them In Championship

Lindsay Lohan Gets Drunk, Coked Up, Wrecks Car

Semi-Talented Asshats Sing, Win / Lose Televised Popularity Contest

Holy Crap Is It Ever Cold / Hot / Snowy / Rainy / Dry For This Time Of Year

Gas Prices Increase 50 Cents, Spawn Motorist Outrage; Drop 25 Cents, Drivers' Riot Quelled; Cycle Repeats