What I Wouldn't Do

by Jesus

First and foremost, I wouldn't take money out of the pockets of my followers for cheap third-world slave-labor-manufactured trinkets with four silly little initials on them. That money had better be going to feeding the hungry or housing the homeless: Lance Armstrong gave the profits from his armbands to a good cause - these folks claiming to speak for The Son Of God had better keep philanthropic pace with a dude who wore skin-tight lycra shorts for a living.

Look, I was human for a while. I know it's hard to always keep what's right in mind in the heat of the moment. I appreciate the purpose of the merchandise... but seriously, what do those armbands cost to make - about a dime a piece? Churches should be handing those babies out by the fistfuls after Sunday service. One $100 donation buys a thousand of the things for My sake!

I also wouldn't wear polyester suits, be they of the three-piece, pant or jump varieties - especially in hot, humid climates. Not to say I was some kind of fashion maven duing My time or anything, but if you wish to draw more people to hear Dad's word, I'd recommend wearing something that won't have you looking and/or smelling like a '70's porn star by the end of the service. Just sayin'...

I would never give the points when Notre Dame is an underdog. They don't have any special ties to Us up here - they're just a plucky little football club.

I would never question someone's faith in Me simply for not worshipping Me the same exact way I do. Wait... that sounded bad. I meant to employ a cutesy, Yoda-esque phraseology to tell you fire-and-damnation, rote-scripture-spewing chest-thumpers to stop whizzing in the worship well but it came out all arrogant-sounding. Oh, screw it - you know what I meant, so I forgive Me.

I would never put barbecue sauce on a pizza. It's not a sin... but it is all kinds of wrong.

I wouldn't turn water into a beverage I didn't want people to drink... especially in the middle of a flippin' desert. What kind of all-loving Savior-type would do something that wasteful and cruel?

Most importantly, I would never take another man's word that he speaks for Me just because he stands in front of the congregation. We keep it pretty simple up here - if something taught in church sounds out of line with Dad's laws or My teachings, it probably is. Please check it out for yourself.